Part 2 of episode 2 (Due to technical issues)
Ever found yourself searching for signs from a loved one who's passed on? Ever been comforted by a flickering light or a sudden bird sighting? We've been there too, and this episode is permeated with our personal experiences navigating the seas of grief, while highlighting the power of resilience and the importance of self-care during these challenging times.
We shine a light on the dynamics of relationships after a loss, and how we've strived to not be defined by our struggles. We reveal the value of surrounding ourselves with people who sprinkle joy into our lives.
Finally, we'll take you through our personal experiences with signs and messages from those who have passed on. We touch on the comfort and connection these signs bring, and even discuss the importance of setting boundaries with the spirit world. Stay tuned as we explore the various coping mechanisms we've used, including tattoos and mediums, and the solace found in knowing that we're not alone in our struggles. A sometimes humorous, heartwarming, and healing conversation - we hope it resonates with you as deeply as it did with us.
Part 2 of episode 2 (Due to technical issues)
Ever found yourself searching for signs from a loved one who's passed on? Ever been comforted by a flickering light or a sudden bird sighting? We've been there too, and this episode is permeated with our personal experiences navigating the seas of grief, while highlighting the power of resilience and the importance of self-care during these challenging times.
We shine a light on the dynamics of relationships after a loss, and how we've strived to not be defined by our struggles. We reveal the value of surrounding ourselves with people who sprinkle joy into our lives.
Finally, we'll take you through our personal experiences with signs and messages from those who have passed on. We touch on the comfort and connection these signs bring, and even discuss the importance of setting boundaries with the spirit world. Stay tuned as we explore the various coping mechanisms we've used, including tattoos and mediums, and the solace found in knowing that we're not alone in our struggles. A sometimes humorous, heartwarming, and healing conversation - we hope it resonates with you as deeply as it did with us.
I'll ask you a question. Okay, we'll flip the script. What do you think helped you the most?
Speaker 2:I did. I did several things that I think helped Reading that book that I gifted you was one. Okay, which I would have never thought, that it was, but it was really good. I did a lot of journaling. I did a lot of self-reflection. I wrote notes to him. Oh, I like that. So I wrote a lot of letters, or I kind of found an app that was like book form or whatever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I had a lot to say. Well, yeah, absolutely. And especially because he died at holidays and I have no idea how the fuck I got for Christmas. Like, yeah, he died the sixth, we buried them on the 15th and then we had Christmas and, like, my Christmas shopping wasn't finished and the whole first year was a blur. So I really don't know how the fuck we pulled off Christmas that first year. Yeah, so, writing letters, a lot of journaling, self-reflection. I seen a medium which I thought I was about shit crazy at first, but it went well.
Speaker 1:It did, okay, it did.
Speaker 2:There was two instances that I just woke up. I was like I need to find somebody to talk to that people, yeah. And so the first time we were in Florida and I was like, look, if I'm supposed to see somebody or talk to somebody, I need to make this these motherfuckers like stand out, yeah. So I looked and I'm like this ain't happening, like nobody's standing out, whatever when I'm about our day. And then, I think a few weeks after that I woke up. I was like I'm supposed to find somebody. So I started searching. We were back home then and I'm like you better make them stick out, because if not, I'm not doing this shit, I'm not even interested. No, I mean. And so I found somebody and I'm like, dead giveaway, yeah, his first name was Dylan, okay, which obviously our son's name. His last name was Bell, and so Dr Bell was our main character at the Honda house.
Speaker 1:I'm like well, fuck, I actually think my husband and I have a selfie with Dr Bell.
Speaker 2:He probably do. I'm like, well, if this ain't a fucking dead giveaway, then this, this was the one right. And I'm like skeptical, probably a fucking month. So I looked at my Facebook and I started following him. I'm like because you know, I didn't like for anyone Facebook, because then I felt some type of way about that.
Speaker 1:And you know you just don't want him to know who you are, but you want to.
Speaker 2:you know, I don't want you to look me up on Facebook before I make an appointment. Like, yeah, you just think about all that weird stuff. And so finally I, I think I told Dylan. I was like, look, I think I'm supposed to see somebody, and this is who I found. I told him his name. He's like you should probably make the appointment. I don't want to, though. So finally I did, and I did a virtual appointment with him, and it went really well, and he did tell me things that nobody else would have known. So I don't feel like he looked me up on like Facebook or anything like that, and now he and I are good friends. Okay, so we talk often and hang out sometimes, and he's agreed to be on the podcast too. So I think that'd be helpful.
Speaker 1:That'll be so cool. I'm now I'm like so intrigued and I know, you know, I've heard about it, I've done it, but I know. I'm a skeptic, but I feel like, what do you have to lose?
Speaker 2:I'm and I think it depends on who it is to yeah, because I was a huge skeptic. I'm like this is crazy. Yeah, I don't really want to know. There's all these feelings, yeah, especially when you're early on.
Speaker 1:You don't want to know, but it's like a crash.
Speaker 2:You don't want to see it, but you can't look away, right, and so actually I did a couple group sessions for friends to sign up, just because everybody is skeptic, yeah, and some people don't just want to jump in and like let me do this one on one. So we did like a group session and just random people showed up for people, okay, and I think it was cool for me, because some people I knew there and some people I didn't, like I hosted it, yeah for them to do it, but then they burned people that I didn't know, so things would come up. I'm like there's no way possible that I knew that like I didn't tell them that I didn't want anybody to fill that kind of way. But it turned out really good. He's very good at what he does.
Speaker 2:And so that helps tremendously, I think just the combo of those. Yeah, and, like said, self care was huge, like, yeah, I had to.
Speaker 1:I feel like that is so important because, you know, just like we had talked about earlier, so many people just lose themselves and I never want to lose myself. I know I lose myself emotionally sometimes, but just so normal in the things that we have gone through, but it's okay.
Speaker 2:It's okay to be down. Yeah, absolutely To be knocked down, but you have to get the fuck back up you have to.
Speaker 1:You can't stay there, you cannot.
Speaker 1:And it is such a slippery slope and it's so easy to just stay down Absolutely, but getting back up is such an achievement and that is something that anybody should be proud of. Whether they're grieving, you know the loss of a loved one, which is what you know. I've lost friendships, I've lost relationships, I've lost a lot, but nothing has ever outweighed the loss of actually losing somebody. But you know, no matter what type of grieving you're doing, because there's a you know you can grieve a person, a thing, a job, whatever it may be.
Speaker 1:You have to move forward, you have to get up and you cannot just let it define you. You can't.
Speaker 2:You can't. Yeah, I've watched so many people do that and it's I don't know. I think in my situation, depending on who the person was, kenyan's dad, for instance, it would just piss me off because everywhere we would go before you know longer spoke, he would tell everybody well, my son died. Yeah, I mean, we went to Michaela's. She graduated in May. Kenyan died in December. She graduated college in May, so it would have been April May-ish, where she had her nurse pinning and she invited him.
Speaker 2:And literally I go to sit down and he's telling the people next to him that his son died and I'm like he's got to fucking be kidding me. Yeah, like this isn't the time or the place. You don't even fucking know these people Like. So it 100% defines him, like that is who he is, and I'm just like shut the fuck up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's hard. You know and we're all living it and you never want to be like your feelings don't matter. But think about my feelings too, and if I don't want to talk about it, then respect that, because I don't want everybody to know. You know, there are people you know my grandma's 84, and it was her only daughter and I get it. That's a whole another kind of loss, you know, very similar to just grieving differently.
Speaker 2:Well, and I tried to make room for that. I tried to take that into consideration, but it's freaking hard.
Speaker 1:But you don't want to talk about it. Every time you talk to them or see them or anything, and it just no, she's 84. She doesn't have a lot going on.
Speaker 2:It doesn't help your feeling. Yeah, I think I just got really.
Speaker 1:I got really big on if it doesn't fill my cup, I don't want it, yep.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that's big for me now.
Speaker 1:I'm like if.
Speaker 2:I don't want to do it. If I don't want to hear it, if I just simply don't want to be involved, I'm not. Yeah, I don't feel like I need to satisfy anybody else. Yeah, I don't need to do it for somebody else, and if it doesn't make me happy, I'm just not fucking doing it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and that's something Jay and I had a conversation about not long ago. You know, somebody reached out wanting to get together, and it just wasn't one of. It wasn't something I really wanted to do, but I was feeling obligated to do it. And so he I mean he just sat me down and was like okay, so if you go and you see this person, are you doing it for you? Are you doing it to make them feel good? What is it that? What are you going to get out of it? And I was like nothing, like I would. I just feel obligated to go. And he was like then don't do it, there's no reward for you. You are going because you feel like you have to and you feel like that's expected of you. And it was somebody my mom had a relationship with.
Speaker 2:I never have had a relationship with you.
Speaker 1:know we'll call them family to me. I don't know them, so they're not family to me.
Speaker 2:So you're not obligated, you know not.
Speaker 1:But you know, I'm like man, my mom would do it. And then I'm like, you're right, it does not feel my cup at all. If anything, I'm not going to leave there feeling good. I'm going to leave there feeling bad because because now they want to discuss what happened. Not only that, but it's like what is it Like? What are you really gaining from me being there? We've, I'm 30 years old and I've seen you twice in my entire life. Like you know, there's, there's nothing that I'm going to benefit from it and so I'm not going to do it. And there are so many people that were in my mom's life that I love dearly and I want to see and I want to get together, even though we didn't really do that before, but I've always loved them and wanted to be around them. But then there are just other people that my mom loved everybody, yeah, knew everybody and did so much for everybody. And I don't want to feel those shoes and I'm sorry to anybody that feels like I should.
Speaker 2:You don't have to know your position to do so.
Speaker 1:When I tell you this woman took the time out of her life to check on everybody that she even thought about for four seconds that day, I mean she truly did it. She did it, she went above and beyond, and that's one thing so many people loved about her. That's just not me. I have friends that I love and I care about. I haven't talked to him in three months and I would still, to this day, call my best friend. I don't know what you're doing.
Speaker 1:I don't know what you're going through, yep, so I don't have the capacity in my life to do it to people that were in my mom's life, you know.
Speaker 2:No, there's been several instances where somebody's like, oh, someone's coming in town and they want to see you. I'm like did they call me? Did they reach out and be like hey, I'm coming to town, I'd like to see you? They didn't. No, they said that to you and I'm not taking the time out of my life to go sit with people who don't bother to reach out to me. It's almost a front for someone else. Yeah, I'm good.
Speaker 1:Well, and then I always like you, but I'm not.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm not obligated just because you knew my husband. I am not Because you feel bad for me. That's the big thing is, I'm not the friendly fucking person. Let's be real. That's not me. And especially now more than ever, life is too fucking short for me to do anything that I don't want to fucking do. Yeah, and like you said, if it doesn't feel good to me, I'm out. Yeah, I'm not. Don't feel bad for me, don't act like you give a fuck, because from a distance, you don't yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm good, yeah, and that is one thing is I don't want people to feel bad for me. Do I want to go through what I'm going through? Hell, no.
Speaker 2:If you wanted people to feel bad for you, you would have fucking grieved or chose a different path that you lived your life since the shit happened.
Speaker 1:But it's like. I don't want you to feel bad for me. I don't want that.
Speaker 2:I think you and I are a lot alike. We busted our afts to make sure that this did not define us, so I don't need your afts to feel bad for me Like I'm good, yeah, I got through it, I'm doing my shit, yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm going to keep fucking moving Absolutely and you know it's not. You're not going to feel what you feel today again. You know I mean you might feel it again, but you're not going to feel it every single day because I'm going to pick myself up and I'm going to get out of my funk and I'm going to keep going and if I don't feel bad for myself, you don't need to feel that for me, Especially if you're not in my everyday life when I tell you you know, and that is the hardest thing is I'm just different and I love so many people and I have so many people in my life but I'm like I don't have the, I don't have the time.
Speaker 1:I don't have the time to deal with checking up on so many people and I feel bad because I'm like man. I know I go through it sometimes and I'm like man. I haven't talked to anybody today and I know other people are going going through things, yeah, and I'm like should I, should I make more of a point to reach out to people? But then I'm like man, but then that's me changing who.
Speaker 2:I am because I feel bad and I think that, like I have three or four people in my life that I consider my best friends, we don't talk every day. I know we might talk once every few months, yeah, and then we might go through spurts where we talk every day and we hang out for fucking weeks on end and then we don't see each other for months again. I know and I love it.
Speaker 1:Those are the relationships that I get.
Speaker 2:They're all everybody's busy. You know, I've got their own shit going on and it just works, it does. And those are my four longest friendships ever. Yeah, and it just works that way. It does. It's fucking great.
Speaker 1:It is. It is so nice. I think it's something funny on social media and that's the only conversation we've had in two months, but I'm here. But when you get back together, it's like you never nothing ever changed Right, and if you need me, I will drop whatever it is I'm doing and I will be there and I know they would do the exact same thing for me, as they have many times.
Speaker 1:But it's like man, I just don't have it in me to put any type of energy out to something that doesn't feel like a hundred percent. And I feel like that's so important and more people need to think about that. Like, even if you didn't get through, what am I gaining from this? Yeah, yeah, even if you didn't go through anything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, in general life, I think it's important. Yeah, I mean you need to. It is all about quality and not quantity. You waste so much time in your life doing shit that you don't want to.
Speaker 1:Yes, you are just making other people happy and I am here to make myself happy, my husband happy, my kids happy and that's all that matters. Yeah, and like I said, I just I don't care about how many friends I have or I don't have it being family life, but how much family I've got. I just want the quality relationships that benefit me and I benefit them. I never and I never want somebody to be like reaching out because they feel like they have to you know, I want it to go both ways.
Speaker 1:I never want somebody to be like. Oh well, I'm going to town and I better reach out to my friends. Daughter.
Speaker 2:Right, they're going to say I was into it, yeah.
Speaker 1:And like I do what you want to do. Yep, because it's not about me.
Speaker 2:If you haven't reached out to me prior to, if we don't speak.
Speaker 1:Yes, don't worry about me, just go and do whatever you was coming to. Oh good, yes, but you know, in the other aspect of that I have gained relationships with people that I didn't have before. You know that, with people that meant so much to my mom, and those are people that I see very regularly now.
Speaker 2:You know, my mom had a dog and in that crazy how, how that works it is but it's like my mom had a dog Sweetest little crazy nut, jack Russell. I've ever met in my life.
Speaker 1:But unfortunately, with my asshole dogs, I couldn't keep her and so I, you know I can't. She's not going back to a pound. That's where she came from a rescue. She had a bad life. She lived her queen life with my mom and I'm like, you know, she's got to, she's got to continue to do this. And so I'm asking so many people that I'm like, oh my gosh, they're going to want her, Like they are going to want her I know they are and they're like I just can't do it. I can't do it, I can't do it and I'm like shit.
Speaker 1:And so there was a friend you know I had never actually met her, I actually met them before, but I had heard so much about them a family that my mom worked for. My mom was a caretaker, so one of them took her and they it just so happens, they lived 10 minutes away from me and they are the most amazing family and it's almost like I've always had them. You know what I mean? It's like, of course this sucks that this happened, but they are now built in family and that's nice too, Because I don't have a lot of room for a lot of people in my life, because it's just not who I am, but to build that type of relationship and have them there and to love this dog and allow me and my family to come over and visit and do adventures and invite us to absolutely everything going on. It's so special, yeah. And then there's others that I'm like yep, you're my mom's friend and I know why.
Speaker 2:I feel like I lost probably 80% of people in my life After KJ died, yeah, and I've gained a handful of new people, which is great because they're like the right people that fit in anybody that rolled out.
Speaker 1:There's a reason you're out. There's a reason. Okay, but it does like you kind of sit back and realize, like some of these relationships that you had when KJ was still alive, they weren't, they weren't good, they weren't bittie to anybody, they weren't for me, no, they weren't for any means really.
Speaker 1:It's like what was in it for you, and when you realize that there was nothing in it for you and that they were people that were just around, or they were people that were just using you for something, or using KJ for something, or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 2:I'd say a lot of it was his friends. But let's be real, he was likable.
Speaker 1:Oh, he was lovely.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Fucking. Everybody knew and I wasn't so much likable. I'm okay with it. But I think my big struggle is the ones who were supposed to be close friends and they're, like you know, would be there for anything, and I'm like you, ain't not one motherfucking time called his wife and kids. So who were you really?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, that's my favorite. I'm there for anything. Whatever you need, I've got you, or. But they're the first ones to tell you You're the strongest one, I know, you'll go through anything, and then you don't talk to them for seven months.
Speaker 2:When you see it all on Facebook and they're like, oh man, I lost my best friend and they just boo who for me? And I'm like it's your best friend, did you? I understand you're going through. You're going through a time. All right, you were good friends, but any, I always felt like anybody that you thought was your best friend. My best friend died today. I'm going to call and check on our kids. If she's got a spouse, I'm going to make sure you know I'm going to check on him too. But you're on Facebook crying and all this shit, but not one time have you fucking checked in.
Speaker 1:Well, fuck out of here with that shit. Yeah, that's the. You know, I want attention, friend, fuck you, I don't have the attention to give you.
Speaker 2:I don't even care to I don't even care to I. That's that block, delete shit, because I just can't.
Speaker 1:That's the you don't fill my cup, friend.
Speaker 2:I'm not, I guess, invalidating your feelings for losing your friend, because clearly Kaja's loss was huge for so many people, yeah, but I just felt some type of way, oh yeah, as I mean, kaja and I worked together for fucking 17 years, yeah, so I just never understood how those two connections were, yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, and that's the thing, right Is in loss. You learn so much, man. You learn a lot about people, yes, that were in your life and you're like the fuck, what are you even talking about? And that's what mind boggles me is I can remember I was a 16 year old when my brother died, and I can't even remember what day of the week we had his funeral on, but I remember thinking like, if you really are not my friend, you had nothing to do with him. You didn't even ever even meet him.
Speaker 1:Don't, don't come from school, don't get out of school to come to this funeral. I don't want you here. You're, you're not getting out of school because you know somebody that knew somebody, that knew somebody like, don't do that. And it was huge. You know he was a very likable person. He had a very big friend group because he rode motorcycles and all the things. But you know there were so many people that I'm like why are you here? Don't get out of school to come here. Don't make don't let me be an excuse to get out of school early and looking back, I'm like man, that's so silly. But at the same time I'm like no, like I was not, you were using it as an excuse.
Speaker 2:You're going to show it for five minutes and then leave.
Speaker 1:And you didn't know. And you didn't know. You knew who he was. Yeah, you and you. You knew of him. You might know me, but we're not friends, we don't have a relationship, we don't have anything like.
Speaker 2:Don't use me for that.
Speaker 1:Like for me.
Speaker 2:I get that, but I'm also the person who don't go to people's funerals. That I didn't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Minus your mom. Yeah, yeah, but for the most part I don't. I'm like I didn't know them. Yeah, I wasn't in their everyday life, like I knew who they was, and unless it's somebody very important to me, like you guys, I don't want to go.
Speaker 1:I don't feel like it's right to go, and I agree, because you never know. Like does the family want it to be intimate? Does you know? Like what is it? I met them a couple of times. They were a wonderful person, but I'm not always going to show up. Now, if it is something near and dear to my heart, somebody that I truly was a part of their life for an extended period of time, I'm going to show up and I'm going to pay my respects. But there are, you know, unfortunately, so many people that I know that have passed away and I'm like I just don't feel like I should be there. I agree with that.
Speaker 1:And you know, of course, with all of us.
Speaker 2:But I think that goes back to the awkward death shit it does and that's what I was going to say.
Speaker 1:It's like, with all of us going through loss and stuff, it's like I don't know how to act.
Speaker 1:on the other side of it, you know, actually, you know, my husband and I just went to a funeral two weeks ago and a very close family friend of his. I had met her a couple of times, didn't really know her and I, when I left there, I looked at him and I was like I cried more and I was so much more emotional at this funeral than I have ever been, being on the other side of it and it's like it was so beautiful, which is, you know, so to me. I've always like, even with my mom's funeral, beautiful. But it's so weird to say a funeral was beautiful, but it was such a beautiful tribute to her and I walked out of there feeling like I truly knew her my entire life. But every story they told I was like her and my mom are the same person.
Speaker 1:Oh and that hit me so hard and watching her husband and her kids and I'm just like, oh my gosh, like it brings back so many emotions that you don't know you're holding inside.
Speaker 1:because it's brief and it's great, it's up and it's fine, and so when we left there, I was like I have never felt so emotional out of my entire life and I'm not on the side very often, I'm usually the person standing up there that everybody's feeling bad for. But holy crap, like that was so insane. And you know just it's weird how that hits, you know, and I'm like I've met this lady maybe maybe three times. I know for sure of twice, maybe three times. Just so happens.
Speaker 1:They are, you know, longtime family friends of my husband's family, but they're contractors and they're working at our house and so I'm like in my heart they're my family right now.
Speaker 2:They've been in my house since September.
Speaker 1:And you know I'm like man, if I got extra food, I'm feeding you, I'm doing all the things like we are here together and we're doing this together and I was like I just I can't get over how emotional I was. I'm sure I looked like a crazy person with how much I was crying, knowing like I didn't know her, you know, but it was like that connection. It was, and they're up there telling stories and I'm like holy crap, how did we never get them together and get them?
Speaker 1:to meet, because it would have been trouble, I can tell you that much.
Speaker 1:But they were just such beautiful souls and that's the best way I can describe my mom is she was such a bubbly, beautiful soul and that is so touching when you hear, because there's not a lot of people out there like that right, you know, when you hear somebody that was so similar to that, you're like, oh my gosh, they didn't even know each other. But I guarantee you, because of the connections that have been made down here with all of us, they're up there together. They're up there together. Yep, they are. And that's hard because I'm jealous.
Speaker 2:You know, I don't.
Speaker 1:I'm not ready to leave, but I want to be I want to be with her. Yeah, absolutely. But you know, one day it'll happen and they'll all be there. Yeah, that's why you know that's just what it is one day.
Speaker 2:Are you into signs?
Speaker 1:I am Huge yeah, so.
Speaker 2:I used to make fun of my mom hardcore. Okay, like I often think, my kids think I'm crazy, dylan thinks I'm crazy.
Speaker 1:No, like I was sure I would. I cannot even tell you how many times I rolled my eyes. My mom had a thing for 14. Okay, more specifically, eight, 14. She would find any way to incorporate 14 and that's something like. I didn't really need gas, but you know it was the, the numbers all added up to 14 on the gas pump.
Speaker 2:I was like I don't know what you're gonna do you know what I mean, like something so silly.
Speaker 1:But she made it a sign and I'm like, okay, here we go and you know, jane, I start dating. And you know, I have to warn him, like, just get ready, I'm telling you she's special and I love her, but she's special and you're in for a treat, and so we would, you know, we would just chuckle and roll our eyes and like oh yeah, eight, 14. It's eight, 14. It's three, 14. It's you know whatever. And so then it you know, we're preparing for the birth and I'm very much pregnant 41 weeks, three days. I'm being induced.
Speaker 2:Thank God.
Speaker 1:And you know it's, I go in on February 11th to be induced, so our hope is that she's going to be born on February 12th, because 12 plus two and you know just all these different things, I'm like how much you know, how much do you think she's going to weigh? And, of course, now I've got my husband in on it Eight, 14, because she was. I was big, I was a big girl and she was like she's going to be an eight pound baby, I know she is.
Speaker 1:Oh, don't you worry. She was nine pounds five ounces, but guess what? Nine plus five is 14. Oh, so I'm like, literally, we're sitting in the hospital after we gave birth. We gave birth, okay, here.
Speaker 2:I am.
Speaker 1:I'm the wife saying we gave birth and I'm like I think we've lost it, Like we are literally finding every way to put 14 in this equation.
Speaker 2:And I think it keeps you fucking saying it does, and she's there.
Speaker 1:You know, I mean she's there. And so my biggest thing was it's so funny. I took a picture of it because I was going to send it to you but I was driving so I was trying to be safe. But on my way here I'm huge. I feel like my biggest coping mechanism is music and, like I said, I'm going to turn on a sad song and cry, because that's the way I'm going to cry. But that's just how I deal with things. I feel like so many songs just talk to me and there's a song by Carly Pierce it's called see you around and I found it actually on Tik Tok. So just kind of happenstance found it right and I was like no big deal, never heard it on the radio, never heard it anywhere else, but on Tik Tok she made like a why I made this song, kind of thing, and I'll be damned if I'm not on my way here and I just have my Apple music on some random country station and that song comes on and I was like no freaking way.
Speaker 1:Right after that song is doing fine by I think it's Lauren, elena maybe, and I'm like okay, so like, yes, I am sad and I'm grieving and I'm dealing with things, but I am doing fine, like that's the thing is. At the end of every single day, I know I'm going to be all right and I'm fine.
Speaker 2:That's funny because on our way here, because I am big in signs and there would be like red birds are one, and it's not only. You know, I have this card.
Speaker 1:It's specific ones, though I love that.
Speaker 2:So when KJ was alive, we always had red birds at the house, yeah, but we had this one crazy one. There's a female and she would not on my window. She would literally hit my window all day, every day, and it became a joke. We always said it was my grandma and whether I was in the house I could be out in the craft room. And there were several times I'd be in the craft room, he'd call me. He'd be like come, get your damn bird. She won't stop hitting the fucking window. And as soon as she seen me she'd roll out. It was like, hey, I'm here, just need you to see me and I'll be gone. But it happened so often. So when KJ died, I slept in a chair in the living room for fucking months, oh, I'm sure. But literally days after there was one big, fat ass male red bird Like you know when it's him, because he's just distinctive and he would be on my front porch, up on the little lip of the porch and looking right in that window where my chair was.
Speaker 2:Oh, my gosh Like for months, for fucking months, I would wake up, I would see him there, he'd know I seen him and he'd roll out. It is.
Speaker 2:And even now, like when I got the big old fat red bird I know which one it is, I've still got the crazy lady sometimes but I was like that makes sense, because we used to talk shit about this bird all the fucking time. Or like flashing lights in the house, flickering lights we had one in the kitchen one day and Don's like, how did you stop this? I said you got to talk to him. Yeah, he's like what I said. You got to talk to him. I said all right, babe, we know you're here, yeah, and it was like I'm done with you.
Speaker 1:He got lost this shit, so done with you. He's like ma hey, you know what I will do whatever works.
Speaker 2:So this morning my license plate says Love KJ. And this morning we get down to the corner of your intern to come here and this guy pulls up in his truck and he signals for me roll down my window. Well, normally I fucking would it, but Dylan was with me and it's daylight.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all right.
Speaker 2:OK, so I roll down the window and he's laughing. He said I took a picture of your license plate. He said I got a friend named KJ. He said we're always joking, everybody loves KJ and he's like belly laughing. He just got to chuckle out at me and Dylan start laughing. We was like having a great day. I was like first podcast interview today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there it is. See, I wouldn't have been able to help myself. I was like, well, my KJ's dead.
Speaker 2:I was in the middle. I was going to.
Speaker 1:We were in the middle of a rain mystery. Oh yeah, yeah, I mean everybody's like OK KJ.
Speaker 2:But my KJ passed away. I was like, well, everybody did so, I get it, man, I get it. Send that to your friend. Thanks for the chuckle, because that was my sign today and I love it. There you go.
Speaker 1:I know I talk to her. I have her on the mantle. On the other side is one of our other dogs. So one of my dark humor things is our dogs are bad, they're bad, they're old, they're bad. I love them, but damn, they make me go through it. And so I always I'm like look, if you want to be up there with Grandma Becky, you're on your way. You're on your way to the mantle, and that's just what it is. You're going to be up there with Grandma Becky and Bowser. Yep, because I ain't dealing with your shit, no more.
Speaker 1:But I want to say it was like the second day after my mom passed away. We have one dog that sleeps in our bed, unfortunately, and the other dog is just way too bad. He sleeps in his cage. So I'm up, it's late, jay's asleep and this damn beagle gets out of our bed, walks down his little custom-made stairs that we got for him and goes to our doorway in howling Just crazy, barking, howling, going crazy. And I'm just froze. Obviously, my husband wakes up and he's like what's going on? I was like I have no idea. He just got up, he's howling, he's crazy, and he was like OK, so he goes and checks.
Speaker 1:Obviously, nobody's in our house, nothing's going on, and all I said was my mom's name was Becky and I said, look, becky, I appreciate that you're here, but if you don't mind, business hours work best for me. I forget that 2 o'clock in the morning is not really my jam. Business hours are truly just the best, and it never happened again, thank God. But I'm just like, I love the signs, I love that you're here. Most of them, yeah.
Speaker 2:Most of them yes.
Speaker 1:But I'm like I could totally do without the 2 AM calls. Yeah, which is very much her, Because I would have the conversations with her, especially when I was pregnant. She would go to bed at 6 PM and then she's up at 2. And she's up for the day, so she has no care in the world. And she's sending me messages on Facebook and she's texted me and my phone is ding ding ding.
Speaker 2:Oh, you're trying to slay.
Speaker 1:And I'm like, freaked out, because I'm like, who is this? It's the middle of the night and it's like my mom sending me boots for my dog, and so I'm like, mom, I so love your help, but 7 AM is still early. But hit me up at 7 AM. Ok, it doesn't need to be the middle of the night. I understand that you're up, but please don't text me. Please don't do it.
Speaker 2:So there was one night I was asleep and I don't really have dreams. I've never really been a dreamer and there's been very, very few dreams since KD died, with him in it. Yeah, kind of pisses me off. Yeah, oh, I know, but it just doesn't happen. But there was one night I was asleep and I felt like almost like somebody stood at the end of your bed and pulled your feet and I was pulling you, oh my god. And I woke up and I was like, look, motherfucker, we're going to have a conversation. I was like this, ain't it? Thank you for being here, I appreciate it, but did you believe me? The fuck alone while I'm asleep, if you're?
Speaker 1:going to make me remember a dream. It ain't that, yeah. This ain't it, yeah, absolutely Never happened.
Speaker 2:After that, I know, People probably look at me like I'm fucking crazy, but this is the reality.
Speaker 1:I tell you what it's funny. I've always believed in science, I've always believed in the cardinals. Pinneys were always a big thing If you find a penny heads up or whatever. It's supposed to be a thing, but it was really. I hope my mom was, everything was assigned to her and that's why I love that she. She found joy in that and I love that for her. But I was just like, oh my god, are you joking? Like stop, ok, let's just do you think about it differently now, holy crap. Yeah, you know, my, my daughter is, of course, the cutest thing I've ever seen in my entire life, anyways. But she was born Big old girl, anyways, like chunky as cheeks, biggest baby I think I could ever imagine myself having. And she comes out with a freaking birthmark on the back of her neck and even the nurses are just like, oh, she has a stork bite.
Speaker 1:She has a stork bite. And I'm like, yeah, that's so cute, like no freaking idea what they're talking about. And I Google it and I'm like, you know, of course, it's so beautiful and it's like a short fight means that they were kissed from somebody in heaven. And I was just like, holy crap, like all these things. And she still has it. It's not like she grew out of it. And I was like, and that's what one thing? I was so mad that I was over 41 weeks pregnant. Ok, who would it be? Right, I was huge. Oh, yeah, you're really. I was so uncomfortable. I knew my husband had a huge event for work, so I'm like I'm going to be robbed this time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I really suck. I want this baby out.
Speaker 1:And everybody just kept telling me like, oh, it's so beautiful. Your mom is just up there holding her a little longer and I'm like Becky, give me the baby.
Speaker 2:Like I appreciate your help Like give me the baby.
Speaker 1:And so then, when she came out with the sport fight, I was like that is just so beautiful. Yeah, it truly made me feel like she was just up there, holding her, loving her, torturing me, because that is one thing I always feared, even before I got pregnant. Like my mom could never dilate, she had an emergency C-section and then a plan C-section with me, and so I'm like me, I'm like. I just hope I have the chance to have a natural birth.
Speaker 2:Like I don't know if that runs in the family, I don't know how that works.
Speaker 1:You know, still don't know how a freaking thing works, but every time I went to the damn doctor and I got checked and he was like you're not dilated, you're not dilated, you're not dilated. And I'm like you know what, becky, could you give me something good? Give me something good and she did. She gave me a beautiful, healthy baby, who is a wonderful baby with a beautiful sport fight on the back of my neck.
Speaker 2:I love it. Yeah, I think science for me has definitely helped me get through a lot, so I think my kids probably think I'm fucking crazy.
Speaker 1:Oh, they do, but I'm like, if you pay, attention, you'll see them. You will.
Speaker 2:If you walk them out.
Speaker 1:You'll never experience it and you'll find comfort in them. That's the thing that I love, and I never know what kind of birds they are. Because we have kind of like a sunroom. I guess you'd probably have a lot of windows in our house and I'll just be sitting in the living room chilling, minding my own business, probably listening to Ms Rachel, and you'll hear a thud and it's freaking birds when I tell you my windows are not the cleanest because your girl don't have time for all that. The Hitcher Wanda Slam every single day.
Speaker 2:That's how it cuts a little wider.
Speaker 1:But unfortunately, while they died A lot of times they do it's never been a cardinal that has passed away, but a lot of times we will find them on our deck, unfortunately, god. But I'm like, are you just trying to get in or are you trying to tell me something Like what is it? We had to hire a whole ass company to come in and close up all the vents. I guess I don't want to say close up, but cover very seriously all of the vents in our house because these birds were like trying to live in our house. Why do you guys have so many birds? When the guy came down with three trash bags full of dead birds and nests from my attic.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:He was like they've been at this for a while, they want to live in my house and I'm like I'm telling you what? That's freaking Becky. That's Becky. She's joking and it'll end, but it hasn't. That's a lot. It was three trash bags full of dead birds and nests and I was like I don't know what kind of birds they were. I hope they weren't cardinals, because they're too beautiful to just get my attic and die. But yeah, it was, there were probably finches?
Speaker 2:I don't know. They have a lot of finches at home. Are they mean? No, they're just not. They're just little birds.
Speaker 1:Oh okay, well, as long as they're not mean you can move in. But yeah, it's crazy. But yeah, that's one reason why I got my little cardinal tattoo.
Speaker 2:I like it it's simple.
Speaker 1:Yeah, very simple, very fun. Just a little reminder. That's an. I guess that's probably another way I could say I cope with my grief is Give you tattoos. Yeah, they all have meaning, they all mean something. But I'm like, oh, I'm gonna get this one from my mom, I'm gonna get this one from my dad. And so I have my dad and my brother's name across my shoulders and my mom was always like, when are you gonna? Yeah? And so then I got some of my dad's handwriting on my arm and she was like, well, when are you gonna get a tattoo for me? And I was like, well, I mean, I guess it sounds like when you die like Jesus, obviously not thinking anything about that, Anything right, anything about it, yeah.
Speaker 1:And she was like well, damn okay. And I was like I mean, I don't, you know why, unless you wanna get a tattoo together like I don't see a reason to just get like. I'm not gonna give you a name on me, becky, you know it's not meaningful yet, yeah. So I did. I ended up getting one before she passed away. I did her birth flower in like a big bunch of flowers my mom's, my brother's all the things my dad's before she passed away, and so I got to then be very joking with her.
Speaker 1:I'm like, look, you didn't die and I got a tattoo for you. And so then, when she did pass away, I was like, well, I think it's only right to get a tattoo.
Speaker 2:I have to get a tattoo.
Speaker 1:So I did. You know you would never notice it looking at my mom from the outside, but she had a gang of tattoos underneath. Really, yeah, she made sure they were all covered and, of course, because of her cinnamon, a little self. They all have meaning. But she was super into moons and flowers and all of the things and so I got a moon filled with flowers and it's actually from a cartoon little skit kind of thing and it's just a little phrase that says take her to the moon for me. Oh, I love it. And so I got that and love it would not change anything about it and I think I'm sure I'll get more because Of course I mean, yeah, it's, why not? I want them to have some kind of meaning. So I'm like I'm gonna again find a sign to make the meaning out of anything and just kind of figure it out.
Speaker 1:There's nothing better than some tattoo therapy.
Speaker 2:Well, the problem is I need to sit for 10 plus hours every time I go get one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I try to do small increments, but it makes you feel pretty damn good and I gotta find a baby, so I can't go for 10 hours.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the two I've decided to get. Since KJ has gone, I'm like, oh yeah, we'll just sit for the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, no problem, oh yeah, and then you're half way through, and then it's five AM and I'm tired, I'm cranky and he's like sit still and I'm like cute.
Speaker 1:And then you're reminded like I'm not a bitch, I'm not gonna quit.
Speaker 2:Shit, my time is over. I'm like, look, I'm tired, I'm whiny, I'm hungry, yeah all day.
Speaker 1:I'm done All freaking day, yeah. So you know, I feel like there's so many, so many things that you do that you don't even realize that help you cope with things, yeah, but I wanna you may give me one. I go to a medium. I got one, I know. He's really good, I'm gonna have to get his info. He's good. I feel like it would be interesting, it would be cool, it would be scary. But what do you have to lose?
Speaker 2:You know, I've only I've did it once, and then, when we did our group things, kj kind of snuck in and even though I'm like, okay, if he shows up, just send a loving putting to the base side because I didn't want anybody feeling any type of way, yeah, but and it's funny because now that he and I are friends, like I would never ask him for a reading- yeah.
Speaker 2:I'd probably find somebody else Absolutely Just because I know that how he feels about that. But even sometimes he'll like he's been to the house and he'll just randomly say something. Or sometimes I'll get like one time he texts me and I was like what do you text me? He was like don't forget, you're amazing, who was that? Holy crap. And I'm texting Shannon and I'm like bitch, this is my fucking husband coming through. Like why would he text me that? Like so there's still just little things that he pops off and I'm like I don't say shit to him, I just let it go and I'm like okay, I got you so wild, I got you.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's great. I watched him do. We did actually we did a group here, we did two at another place, so it was really fun to watch him interact with other people and see how their people came through and just hear those stories. When I did it personally, I just sat back and I shut the fuck up and I never said I'm just like you, just talk to me, because I was so skeptical.
Speaker 1:I was gonna say if you're a skeptic, you're like, I don't wanna say a word Nothing.
Speaker 2:I don't wanna say nothing Because I don't wanna give anything away about myself.
Speaker 1:Yep, so that's interesting. So I listened to a comedy podcast. So it's a comedian and she's very much into like psychics and stuff like that. But since she is a public figure, she never gives her real name, okay, and but I think she has maybe once or twice or something, and it's always been like she's like I paid this person to literally tell me what Google says about me and so I get it. I'm like, if I'm a skeptic, like I don't want you to know anything about me.
Speaker 2:That's why I'm like let me follow you, but I'm not putting you on Facebook. I'm not None of the things and then, when it came down to it and some of the things he said, I'm like nobody can know that, isn't that?
Speaker 1:so weird. Okay, I'm intrigued.
Speaker 2:Like you said what do you got to lose? Yeah, and some people are just simply scared of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I think I think it's cool, I think it would probably give me a little bit of comfort and you know, especially with the way everything happened and how brutal everything was with her, and you know it's like, at the end of the day, I want to know that she's okay, Because when she left this earth she wasn't okay, that was my big thing.
Speaker 2:I was weird about it, though, cause I'm like are you okay? Well, no, you're not okay, you're fucking dead right, yeah, like, but there was just something in me that was like but I guess, did you make it to the right side? Like, are you stuck somewhere? Like, are you where the fuck is your soul?
Speaker 1:Are you?
Speaker 2:good there, wherever you are?
Speaker 1:is it? Are you okay? Are you with the people that you lost and that you missed? And what is it? You know what is it like, what are you experiencing?
Speaker 2:What is? What are you doing? I needed to know he was okay, even though physically he was not okay. Yeah, If that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Yeah, I get that. I feel like that's huge, and my mom was very much a let's go to a psychic, let's do this, let's do that, and I was just like I don't really think.
Speaker 2:I want to know. I was never into that.
Speaker 1:But now that quite literally my entire family is gone, I feel like why?
Speaker 2:not, yeah, I was never into it. I'm like, look, I don't need nobody to tell me shit. Yeah, I don't need to know the future, I don't need to know the past.
Speaker 1:I don't need to know none of the fucking things. Yeah, now looking back, maybe it probably would have been nice to know a couple things, maybe have a little heads up on life.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Nope, I'm out, I'm out To me. I'm sitting here like, can you prepare me for how strong I need to be going forward?
Speaker 2:I don't think there's any preparing for this shit. There's not. It was helpful. It was definitely. I think it helped with closure yeah.
Speaker 1:I can see that which is hard to get. Closure is, you know, I don't want to say it's never there, but it never truly feels like it's closed. You know, no, there's so many chapters in your life that you close, you know. You close the chapter of a job, you close the chapter of friendships, you close all these things, but losing somebody so close and so near and dear to your heart never truly closes, and that's a hard pill to swallow, especially when you're doing firsts without them holidays, birthdays, graduations, having a freaking baby you know all the things you're like and that's the thing.
Speaker 1:So you're so excited, You're in that moment and you're so happy for it, but you're so fucking sad at the same time.
Speaker 2:Yep, because while you got birth and everything that came with that, and then your mom's coming up, and then we were going through the first Christmas like immediately, and then Michaela graduating from college and moving and all the things, like it was just you want to be, because life doesn't stop, as much as you want it to.
Speaker 1:Life doesn't stop.
Speaker 2:No, it's fucking happening, and so you get through those the best you can and like again signs. When we were at Michaela's graduation, there was a guy behind us and I, just I didn't say anything. I laughed myself and later my mom said something, and so the guy behind us is on the phone. He was like I don't see you, raise your hand, wave your hand around. But you know, kenja used to say that shit, all the fucking time, all the time, and I just, I just secretly yeah, wave your hand around or whatever.
Speaker 2:And I just, I'm right here, you don't see me. I just smiled and later my mom said did you fucking hear that guy? I was like, yeah, yeah, he was there. Of course he was there. It was her fucking graduation. Oh my gosh, yeah, so Isn't that amazing? Just those things that you're like, all right, he's here and we can be happy today and we can get through it. And you know, it's just just part of it, it's just all. I think it's how you look at life, how you decide you want to go through it and get out of it.
Speaker 1:I guess yeah, my biggest thing is I I'm going to and I do, but I don't want to look back and have regrets of not living my life and not being happy and not just moving forward, because you don't move past it but you do have to move forward. You learn to live with it, you do, you learn to live with it. And you know I do live with regrets because, as I have said, my mom drove me crazy and I didn't have a lot of patients and I probably should have, and there are things I would do differently. I think that's inevitable though it is, um, but the one thing I don't want to regret is just living and that's one thing that she did. You know she would know that, did I think maybe she got a little too wrapped up in it, yes, but you know, like on the anniversary of my brother's accident and death and things like that, like she would travel and she would do so many fun things and get together with so many people and she would make it happy versus sad.
Speaker 1:But, um, you know, I want to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't want to say I want to find the happiness, especially, you know, with my dad and with my brother. It's been so long that I've processed those and I'm living with those now. My mom, I'm still processing, I'm still very much grieving. You know I'm always going to grieve all of their deaths. Oh yeah, um, but with my mom, like I would say, I'm still in the beginning stages of grieving because for so long you know, I was in that fight or fight mode where I was handling so much um, which is just such a battle, and so it's, like you know, I I just want to live for her.
Speaker 2:I think we find a new happy. You find a new, you find a new kind of life and you find a new happy, and because nothing, nothing's ever going to be the same again. But you, you just find a new.
Speaker 1:I guess a new normal yeah, a new normal is the best way to explain it because it's like something funny happens and I want to call my mom or something sad happens if I want to call my mom or nothing happens and I want to call my mom and you're like shit. You know, when we were in, we went to Disney just over Thanksgiving and anybody that knew my mom knew she loved her trinkets loved her wind chimes.
Speaker 1:She loved her crap is just really the best way to explain it. If it was dinky and cute and something you didn't need, it was in her car, okay. So we go by. Um, you know, of course, we're so excited my first time ever at Disney. Um, honestly, our daughters first time ever at Disney and we're so excited and that was our first mistake.
Speaker 1:If we're excited about it, my kid's going to sleep through it. She's going to sleep, she's not going to enjoy it and that's exactly what Disney was. So we are in Epcot and we are grabbing some beers, drinking, hanging out and going to all the different you know little things they have set up there, and I had that moment and I really think it was, which is crazy because it's been over a year. It was the first moment where I forgot she was gone and it was a little stand and one of the countries and it had those stupid little colorful I don't even want to call them wind chimes because I don't know what the heck they are. They twirl and twist and they're you know but they sit out on your porch.
Speaker 1:I know I for sure clean 15 of them off of her porch, okay. And I even said, like I said it to myself, like oh my gosh, my mom would love that. And then I looked at my husband and I was like, and then it hits you all over again. I had that moment and he was like what moment? You know no idea what was about to hit him. I was like I had the moment where I forgot she was gone because she would love that.
Speaker 1:And he was like she would have sold the stand out. There's no doubt about it she would have sold the stand out. And so then you know, we're so happy and we we took a picture of my kids sleeping. In every single country that we went to. We're laughing, we're having such a great day, we're drinking all this delicious and awful beer and food and all the things, and then I'm dame, you're about to cry. You know like it's crazy, that's great, that's your new normal.
Speaker 2:That's great, yep, absolutely. And it's. It doesn't discriminate, it's, it's. There's so many, and even just the smallest things you're like why the hell am I crying? You're like, oh well, yeah, something happened there then with that. Whatever the bucket was, absolutely it's funny.
Speaker 1:Life is life is interesting to see, really crazy, and I'm going to say it's one more time God, I've been strong. I don't want to be strong, I want to be strong. Let my grandma live until she's 120. Let my husband live until he's 120.
Speaker 2:Like, just skip on over me because your girl has been through it Done, done yeah.
Speaker 1:We'll figure it out, as we always do, because we're going to move forward.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:We're always doing alright. No matter how alright we're not, we're going to be fine again, but we're gonna be fine, we're gonna be fine, again, it's literally live, yep. You don't realize how many people go through shit until you're going through it and they're like, oh yeah, xyz.
Speaker 2:And I'm like, oh my gosh, like because other people are like us and they don't say shit, they just go through it. Yeah, and try not to make it everybody else's shit. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yep, but then it makes you sad for it because you're like man, I know exactly how you're feeling.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but most of those people are like us too they don't want to share their shit. They're like I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't want it.
Speaker 1:I'm good.
Speaker 2:I know I'm just handled it by myself and I'm good. Yeah, all right, ma'am, we're gonna finish up. You got any other final things?
Speaker 1:I appreciate your sharing, of course, here anytime.
Speaker 2:I appreciate it, not a problem at all. It helps everybody know that they're not crazy to hear everybody else's story.
Speaker 1:I mean, I'm definitely no normal book.
Speaker 2:But when?
Speaker 1:needed, I will be an open book.
Speaker 2:Well, thank you, thank you.