They say laughter is the best medicine, but can it truly mend a broken heart? Shelby, our courageous guest, shares her journey through the darkest valleys of grief, proving that even in the wake of tragedy, humor can be a beacon of hope. This episode isn't just a story of loss; it's a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, the power of moving forward, and the unexpected solace that can be found in the aftermath of sorrow. Witness how Shelby's life was reshaped by the loss of her parents, and how she has chosen to navigate the complexities of grief without allowing it to consume her identity.
Parenting in the shadow of grief is an untold story of many, and Shelby doesn't shy away from the raw realities of this challenge. This conversation peels back the layers of what it means to guide a child through their own mourning while grappling with personal loss. Through Shelby's experiences, we gain insights into the diversity of grief within a family, the awkwardness that death can bring, and the surprising comfort found in simple acts of kindness. Her narrative is a poignant reminder that while grief may evolve and take on different forms, the essence of family and the support we extend to one another remains unwavering.
Navigating the choppy waters of bereavement and impending motherhood, Shelby confronts the heightened protectiveness and trust issues that emerge in the face of such profound loss. Her story is not just about coping; it's about the fierce determination to shield her child from despair while also preparing to bring new life into a world that has been clouded by sadness. Shelby’s strength and tenacity offer a powerful message of hope for anyone facing adversity, proving that even amidst the worst of storms, we can find the courage to keep sailing. Join us as we honor the strength and vulnerability that come with the most challenging roles life throws our way.
They say laughter is the best medicine, but can it truly mend a broken heart? Shelby, our courageous guest, shares her journey through the darkest valleys of grief, proving that even in the wake of tragedy, humor can be a beacon of hope. This episode isn't just a story of loss; it's a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, the power of moving forward, and the unexpected solace that can be found in the aftermath of sorrow. Witness how Shelby's life was reshaped by the loss of her parents, and how she has chosen to navigate the complexities of grief without allowing it to consume her identity.
Parenting in the shadow of grief is an untold story of many, and Shelby doesn't shy away from the raw realities of this challenge. This conversation peels back the layers of what it means to guide a child through their own mourning while grappling with personal loss. Through Shelby's experiences, we gain insights into the diversity of grief within a family, the awkwardness that death can bring, and the surprising comfort found in simple acts of kindness. Her narrative is a poignant reminder that while grief may evolve and take on different forms, the essence of family and the support we extend to one another remains unwavering.
Navigating the choppy waters of bereavement and impending motherhood, Shelby confronts the heightened protectiveness and trust issues that emerge in the face of such profound loss. Her story is not just about coping; it's about the fierce determination to shield her child from despair while also preparing to bring new life into a world that has been clouded by sadness. Shelby’s strength and tenacity offer a powerful message of hope for anyone facing adversity, proving that even amidst the worst of storms, we can find the courage to keep sailing. Join us as we honor the strength and vulnerability that come with the most challenging roles life throws our way.
I do too. I think it was perfect. Yeah, so cozy, comfortable. So we are with Shelby today. Hello, what are we?
Speaker 2:
going to talk about All the fun grief stuff Fun. I have very unfortunately been through grief in really all the different stages of my life so far, so I've gotten to experience a lot of different. I guess aspects of it Started really young and I don't know everything. I don't want to know everything about it. But the best way I can describe it is I'm an expert at it. Because I have been through it so much, which I do not wish upon anybody, but I'm doing it and I'm here, and that's just kind of it.
Speaker 1:
So do you, because in our family we're kind of we're twisted we're way fucking twisted honestly and we talk shit about it. And because if you can't, how else do you get through it? Absolutely.
Speaker 2:
I mean, yeah, you know. I mean of course it's sad and of course there are so many very strong feelings to go with it. But if you can't have a little bit of fun with it, I don't know what you're doing. Yeah, I mean, of course there's nothing fun about it, but it's just the reality of it.
Speaker 1:
It's not, it's almost like you become numb yeah, absolutely. And like Dylan's like part of the dead dad's club, I'm like you guys are so fucking twisted. And Michaela's like I'm just bad at having dads. I'm like you told your therapist that these people think we're fucked up. We are fucked up, we are fucked up, we are 100%, 100%. But I think it's better than dwelling and being stuck and, I guess, being sad all the time.
Speaker 2:
For sure, you know I. So my grieving process started technically I would say, when I was 14, that's when I lost my dad. And one thing that I have always said, no matter what, I've never really, you know, understood why I've always felt this way, because I was so young, I did not know what I was doing when it came to losing somebody and grieving on all of that. But I've always said, you know, I don't want it to define who I am, it happened to me, but it's not all that I am. I always want to pick myself up and move forward from it and I feel like that's just so important because there are so many people that I mean it is a very life changing situation, but so many people let it ruin their lives and I never wanted to be that person and I still don't want to be that person.
Speaker 1:
That's how I am, because you I've seen so many people that, like it, does define who they are.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:
That was part of my story.
Speaker 2:
Yep.
Speaker 1:
And it fucking sucked 100%. But I also think it's totally how you get through it, oh yeah. And not let it define you, but it's how you handle it.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
How you end up.
Speaker 2:
And I think that what was hard for me? You know I was a freshman in high school when my dad passed away and you know kids they're not nice, but they're just so judgmental. I mean, it's not even just kids, it's the whole world. Let's be honest, I was saying I don't even think.
Speaker 1:
It's just definitely. It's not just kids, it's definitely not just in that, because Micaela faced that in college. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:
But I hated being that girl, the girl whose dad died, the girl just going through it. Yeah, I was like I'm not that more than anything. And you know, lucky old me, it got to follow me my junior year. I was 16, almost 17, and my brother died. So then I became the girl in high school whose dad died and brother died and, like you know, I just I never wanted to be that girl and it sucks and it was hard and it's still hard.
Speaker 2:
You know, it's been so, you know, 16 years. But I was always that girl and I'm like man. No wonder why I wanted to just get the hell out of there and just start an adulthood and become a new person and start jobs where people didn't know me. They didn't know. That's my story. If they wanted to get to know me, eventually they find out that story. But you know, of course people talk. The whole world knows, and you know I didn't go to a small school, but it wasn't a huge school either.
Speaker 1:
So everybody knew. Yeah, it's easier. I think it's easier when you're going through that stuff, to have somebody that don't know shit about you. Yeah, absolutely. Nothing.
Speaker 2:
Yes, and you know, in between there's and of course, yes, at the end of the day, are you supposed to lose a parent? Yeah, you know, eventually, at 14, absolutely not. Are you maybe supposed to go through life losing your older sibling? Absolutely, but it's not supposed to happen when you're 16. He was 19 in an accident. Things like that Not supposed to happen. I was in my 20s when I lost my grandparents. That was you know. They got sick and it was. We knew it was coming kind of thing. It wasn't as unexpected. So you know that happened and I can grieve that in a normal aspect of it, you know. But then a year ago is when my mom passed away, and that was you know by far. Obviously I'm still navigating all of it, but in such it's so weird to say it, but her being murdered makes it a different type of grief, it's definitely different.
Speaker 1:
I think the person that you lose, I think how they pass. All of that plays into the grief and how you grieve it, how you handle it, because it is totally different yeah absolutely, and you know, and again, like I said earlier, it's a different stage in my life.
Speaker 2:
You know I was a kid in the beginning when it all started happening, and you know we tried all the things. My mom is such a feel. Your feelings talk about it, do it, cry it out, do all the things. I don't cry a lot Now I'm very, very much more emotional. Now I'm, you know, nine months postpartum and man that'll hit your heart.
Speaker 1:
It's different as older you get, the older I get postpartum.
Speaker 2:
those feelings are there. I feel my feelings, but I like to do it internally and I'll talk about it you know I have no problem talking about it, but I try therapy because that's what she wanted me to do and I'm like you know it's not for me. I don't love it because I don't want to just sit there and air it all out and I get it. They're there to help you but I just felt sodium judged.
Speaker 1:
But at the same time, because I went to therapy twice. Yeah, because I was at a point in my life I'm like, shit, I should probably talk to somebody. You know, I've spent this time trying to make sure everybody's good and I should probably go talk to somebody. So I finally got up the courage to do that and I'm like, oh, he's cool, but he's probably never dealt with it. Yeah, he's just this guy taking notes, yeah, and I'm like he doesn't understand.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, it just felt very clerical, yeah, and you know we're going through the steps and you're he's literally or she I guess I had a couple of she's are just checking off the boxes, yeah, and I just didn't love that and that's okay, it's for some people and it's not for others and it's just not for me. You know I do. I don't have a huge support system, but I have a wonderful support system, so I have plenty of people to talk to. That can just talk to me, Right?
Speaker 1:
I don't know if that would be a judge's point.
Speaker 2:
I don't know if that would be a judge's point or get judged by a stranger that doesn't know my whole story Right. So you know I did I tried, that my mom loved therapy and that was fine. You know that's great. And you know another thing that my mom did. You know her and my dad were no longer together when he passed away but she still felt it. You know they were still very much close to it. He was sick but he had such a different past that it was such a different situation. You know he was an addict and things like that, but up until literally up until the day that my dad died, my mom was biocide and they had been divorced for many years. So she felt it, but she was more affected by my brother, clearly.
Speaker 1:
Absolutely.
Speaker 2:
So she really she coped with it by just kind of, you know, clinging to not only me, but she became friends with his friends. You know people that we did not anything bad by it by any means, but you know it was even people that I never met until it's funeral, and there's nothing wrong with that. That that's how you deal with it and that's what makes you feel good going ahead and do it. But to me, and one thing that my mom didn't fully understand, was it's more sad for me to be around all these people that he spent his time with than it helped me, like it just made me sad, and some people, yeah, Some people do.
Speaker 2:
And I feel that I knew that were my brother's friends. That's a different story because I had relationship with them as well. But the people we met because of his death, I just didn't. My mom really clung to that, and that's okay. But that just wasn't me, and so we struggled a lot because I'm a teenager at the time and she wanted to do this, this, this and this this and wanted me to be a part of it and that's just not the way I was grieving, that's not the way I was dealing with things. I'm trying to respect her grieving process, but she was just trying to push that onto me and that was hard because I'm like I'm trying to navigate this and figure this out. My brother was my best friend and he tried to pick up that dabble, so I lost a lot in one person.
Speaker 1:
And I think, as a parent too, though you don't know you don't really know how to help your kids when you're going through this shit, yeah.
Speaker 2:
Especially when you were so affected by it. Yeah, and you know, she was so broken and I could not even imagine being a mom and losing. I could not imagine. And we were just feeling different types of hurt and neither of us truly knew how to navigate that for each other. Yeah, looking back now, there's obviously so many things that we could have done differently.
Speaker 1:
But in a moment you don't know, that's part of grief is?
Speaker 2:
you don't know.
Speaker 1:
You're learning.
Speaker 2:
You're going to be out, and eventually it took a couple of years we got on the same page and we celebrated together how we wanted to celebrate. You know, sometimes I did a couple of things that I probably didn't want to do, but I wanted to make her happy.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it was for her yeah.
Speaker 2:
You know that's hard, yeah, but you know she just really went through it. And seeing somebody else grieve in a different style was hard because you don't understand it. But you begin to understand, like that was my realization is like, wow, like I really am just a different person than anybody else in this world, I guess, and I handle this differently.
Speaker 1:
You're not different than anybody else in the world, but I feel that, yeah, Because often, even like when my grandparents died or things like that I'm like I don't know. I guess not to sound insensitive that's going to happen.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, you expect it eventually.
Speaker 1:
And is it sad? Yes, absolutely 100%. I guess it's because I'm not a crier like I'm an awkward. Death is awkward for me, so awkward I don't know what to say. So I really don't want to say nothing to you because it's all wrong, yeah, and it's just really weird, for me it is.
Speaker 2:
Oh, me too it's like. As fucked up as it is, I'm so much better being on the other side of it, experiencing the death as like a front runner, than trying to cover somebody. Yeah, I'm like I don't. I've been through it and I still don't know what I'm supposed to say or what I'm supposed to do, or what I'm supposed to do with my hands. Do you want to hug or do you not? But when?
Speaker 1:
you're in that position and when you're that person grieving there, that person that lost someone, that's to be real. All the words are fucking wrong, every single one. Nothing anybody says is going to make anything better, no, and some people just say stupid shit and you're like just fucking go away. Yes, just just don't. I'd rather you not say anything at all. Then ask me how I am that, how?
Speaker 2:
are you?
Speaker 1:
How the fuck do you think I am? Yeah, like, that's like the worst, the worst thing ever to ask, and I think the most thing that helped me was the random people that just showed up at my house and they said they're even. They didn't say shit. They just showed up to sit and they brought food. They didn't say I can say how are you?
Speaker 2:
Yes, my favorite that is one thing that I am training myself to do is when somebody close to us loses somebody, I'm like I'm going to bring food, because that's what I needed. Yep, I'm not cooking. I don't necessarily love going through the drive-thrus, but I was a lot and I'm like I want a home cooked meal but I did not cook. Yep, and that was the absolute best.
Speaker 1:
I think that, and all the grow pub and all the food delivery, yes, and I think that was really great because I didn't have to make too many options, I didn't have to do the easy stuff, the you know, I can throw it in the oven or microwave and just be done with it and go.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I totally agree with that.
Speaker 1:
Do you think the way you grew was different from like, from your dad, to your brother, to your mom? Absolutely.
Speaker 2:
So with my dad. You know he was sick, he had cancer. He passed away. It was a very quick diagnosis and he ended up getting Merca and getting even more sick than he was and passing away within a couple of months. But the weird processing that I did was because he wasn't addict and he was not recovering yet. He was in and out of jail a lot and he wasn't like that my entire life. When him and my mom got divorced, wrecked him and he just started hanging out with the wrong crowd and went back to those partying ways and you know he's not as young as he once was and just kind of became an addict again and it sucked.
Speaker 2:
You know, when he was a dad he was a great dad. When he was an addict, he was an addict and unfortunately the addict took over a lot. So when he got sick it was really sad but he was home and he was not using and he was safe, which is such a weird relief. Like you should never be relieved that your dad got diagnosed with cancer. You know he had to have his army mutated and so then he was very much not able to get out and about and go make bad decisions. And you're like man. You know it sucks, you lost a limb, but you're not getting high.
Speaker 2:
So when he passed away and he did, you know he very, we knew it was coming, but again it happened very quickly. So it's never a relief, it's never easy. I don't want to call, I don't want to say relief, that's totally not the right words.
Speaker 2:
But it was a relief that he passed away from cancer versus us getting a terrible call that it was a drug overdose or drug deal Gone wrong or anything of that sort. So in, I lost somebody and I was grieving that, but I was also Relieved of all of these responsibilities of living with an attic parent. Um, so you know, obviously that's just a weird situation to be navigating at 14 years old. And so then you know, my brother picked up a huge role. We we'd always been pretty close, but he became very protective and tried to parent a little bit. My mom worked a lot of jobs, so it was us.
Speaker 2:
And Then he had his accident and it was bad.
Speaker 2:
But we got the call that he was in his accident and, you know, had to deal with the whole, you know fighting in the hospital for five days, and so then it's one of those things where you have your ups and you have your downs and you go through a lot of emotions, and then he passed away and and that grieving process it was so strange because I Did, I just went numb and I think that was the first time I really felt the numbness in anything in my life and I didn't want to, I guess, live the life I was living.
Speaker 2:
I had a boyfriend for a couple of years and Broke up with him, you know, became friends with my brother's you know, girlfriend, that we weren't friends before really but, you know, just started hanging out with different people and just doing different things. And then I finally woke up one day and I was like what in the world am I doing? Like this isn't me, this isn't how I handle things. And so then I kind of picked myself up and started figuring it out and actually started dealing it's dealing with it, processing it, made amends with my boyfriend. I was just kidding, I was going through some shit, you know and like.
Speaker 2:
I just didn't know how to navigate the feelings, because I was a little bit older, I was feeling something different. I was lost, yeah, and I started to find myself again and Once I started doing that, I was like okay, you know he's never coming back and that sucks, but this is our new normal and this is what we're gonna do and sometimes it's a process.
Speaker 1:
Sometimes you do go through all these different things. You're like oh well, let's change this and see if this works out. Absolutely because you don't know how to navigate, you don't, especially when somebody is so close to you. Yeah, and that's you know.
Speaker 2:
I feel like it's Not an normal thing for somebody to be like oh, I'm gonna push everybody that I love away and you know try to Wrap my life in something else and see if that works.
Speaker 1:
Not a great thing.
Speaker 2:
I feel like it's easier if you all go through together exactly and you know you're gonna find out that that is not the answer. That does not work. Sometimes you have to try. Yes, and then, you know, when it came to my mom, I was, I was 29, I was five months pregnant and again, you know it was a fucked up situation. She was sure she was killed by her husband. So it wasn't just me losing my mom, you know. He then, you know, decided to take his own life.
Speaker 1:
So and they were together for a while.
Speaker 2:
They were together for 12 years so.
Speaker 1:
I mean there's not just some guy. He wasn't new, he wasn't somebody. I mean he was somebody major in your life, he was and Hardest part was, of course, everybody has their flaws.
Speaker 2:
But once upon a time he was a damn good guy. And so I'm grieving and I lost my mom and I lost my stepdad, and I lost so many things. But I don't understand it because I'm like, I get it. They were going through divorce and that sucks. But you were a good guy. You took care of us. You looked me and my husband in the in the eyes on so many occasions and told us you never have to worry about your mom, I will take care of her.
Speaker 1:
And then you killed her and you took her away from everybody, and so it's like I'm so mad, but I'm also so sad because I lost him too and that's weird and that I was gonna say and that's probably Hard, because he was somebody major in your life, yeah, and then you have to get past that he did this to your mom At the same time. You loved him, yeah. So how do you get past like that, either forgiveness or Let go, or yeah, and then do you feel some type of way Towards this family because, yeah, you're, your boy, killed my mom like how that's so hard because you know it's not his family's fault, no means.
Speaker 2:
But it is a constant reminder of what happened. You know, dealing with two estates and dealing with all of the things that go along with you know they were technically still married, you know a married couple passing away together and Just the severity of it all I mean it's. It is hard, but I'm, you know I don't blame this family, I don't blame anybody but him. And that's definitely hard. It's taken me a while because it's nobody's fault. You know it's not like you know, hey, go do this, but it's the initial reminder.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, the initial grief, the initial yeah.
Speaker 2:
I was like. What I have to. I have to figure it out and again it's just something new that I had to navigate, and doing it pregnant was the absolute cherry on top, because you're like Obviously going through it. I mean we Could not have ever imagined that this would happen.
Speaker 2:
Nobody ever could you know, we are by the book, crime junkies. We watch the things, we listen to the podcast. We do all the things. Never, ever in my life, did I think that I would be the one pulling up to the crime scene and it being my reality. And then it was. And you, you know, my mom drove me crazy 100% of the time, but she was my best friend and that was a hard loss. And so I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to sleep, I didn't want to do any of the things, but I'm growing a human, so I had to.
Speaker 2:
You still had to, yeah, and then you play in a funeral and then you have to get with. You know, you learn all the things. You have to get with an attorney and you have to do this and you have to do that. And so for the remainder of my pregnancy and the very beginning few months of my daughter's life, I was in fight or flight mode. I was trying to get things figured out, trying to get a grip on what I needed to do.
Speaker 2:
You didn't have an option, there wasn't anybody else to do Absolutely not. And in that time period I didn't deal with the loss that was on the back burner. I was okay, I'm going to call this person, I'm going to do this, I'm going to shut this off. I got to figure out this bill. You know like you're doing all of those things and you're like the loss, right then, is nowhere really.
Speaker 2:
It's there because you're dealing with all of these tasks but you're not feeling. You're not feeling it. Also, then, when my daughter was born is when I started feeling, because the things that the estate had slowed down hadn't closed out yet, but it really slowed down and you know you are in the hospital bed and you're about to go through one of the craziest things you're ever going through and you want your mom and you want your mom and I didn't have that.
Speaker 2:
And so that's when it really set in. I bring a baby home. My husband has a pretty demanding job and he was only able to be home for two days, and so I'm like, who do I want my mom and I don't have that? So then that's when the emotions started to flow and my biggest thing is, I never want my daughter to feel that she's going to know who her grandma was. She's going to know so much about her, but I never want her to know the sadness that I feel deep down. And I feel so much sadness. And that's hard when I stay home and I'm trying to just have a wonderful day and play with her and not be sad.
Speaker 2:
But I'm sad, you know. I look up on my mantle and there's an earn when it should be my mom sitting on my couch, absolutely, and it sucks because I feel like my husband has really felt the majority of my grieving because I've been angry a lot, and so it's like during the day when I'm with my baby, I want to be so happy and I want to play, and she's so amazing and so funny and so easy to, you know, turn off my feelings and just be there and be fun with her. Look, I'm kind of mad she's not here right now, but then I turn that off when she goes to bed and then I feel my feelings and I'm, you know, pissed off. And I've gotten through that a little bit. But there were a couple of months where I'm like I just turned that off and I'm mad because I don't have the help that I should have.
Speaker 1:
But and I mean that never goes away, it doesn't. I mean, I think there's always going to be those moments where you're going to get mad, especially raising a baby, or like my mom could be here helping this, or if we wanted to go out, mom could have been watching the baby and, like you said, she will never know, she'll never have your mom there, and that's hard. Not only that, but you have your grandma yeah, she's 84. Everybody else is gone.
Speaker 2:
I mean, is there anybody else in the family that you know I have a cousin, I have an aunt that helps me when she can. You know, I have some family friends that help. I'm not. I'm not a person that likes to ask for help.
Speaker 1:
I get that.
Speaker 2:
I know, you know, I am very much the type of person like. This is me, this is my deal, this is my problem.
Speaker 1:
I'm not but I will love on that baby whenever you want?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, absolutely, um, and I'm trying to get over that. But you know, it's with that me being that type of person and to I've always been like I'm going to do it, I'm going to figure it out myself. You know, I am very much the means you see on the internet where it's like I asked my husband for help. He doesn't do it right then and right there, and so I'm running into walls with a mattress that I'm trying to carry by myself.
Speaker 2:
You know I mean I am just a I'm going to do it type of person and that's okay.
Speaker 2:
I'm not mad about that at all I'll never change who I am, um, but then you know, I'm like I had this baby and that's fine. It's who, I'm going to take care of her. But with everything that happened with my mom comes a lot of trust issues. Oh yeah, and I can know you my entire life, love you to death, and I'm still going to be scared to death. Leave my kid with you, because I unfortunately learn the hard way that I don't know everybody as well as I think I do. That makes sense and yeah, absolutely so. I'm like I'm just going to figure it out.
Speaker 1:
And we've done great. I'm going to do all the things forever by myself no so we've done great.
Speaker 2:
You know, I've had to really suck up my my pride and start asking for a little bit of help, because she's almost 10 months old and she's that's a lot, she's busy and mama needs a break. Yeah, you know, love to go get my hair done without trying to have a baby in my lap and possibly leave in there with a jacked up haircut Like you know, so I am. I'm asking for help. I'm figuring it out. I know one day I will find that's not family, that I don't know.
Speaker 1:
I'm just not there yet.
Speaker 2:
It's probably going to be a while. It's going to be a while my trust is not a place yet. It's not built back up yet, but we're working on it.
Speaker 1:
I have commitment issues. Yeah, I get that. Otherwise, like, oh, like, if somebody invites me to something, I'm like yeah, I can't commit Mm hmm.
Speaker 2:
Like when I don't count on me being there, but I might.
Speaker 1:
However, let's see how I feel that day and I may show up.
Speaker 2:
I may not, I probably won't, but thanks for I'm very much a maybe person on the invite on Facebook. I'm like in my mind I plan on being there. I want to say yes, I either don't ever respond or I'm a maybe because I'm like well, I want you to have enough food if I decide, but I can't fully commit. I mean, I'm like I have to drive the road away there. Don't count on me Period.
Speaker 1:
I love it, I just can't. I'm like man, I really appreciate all the advice, but I really have committed issues. Yeah, I'm like just don't know how I'm gonna feel.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, and I'm the same way. There are some days where I'm like, get me out of this house, get, let's pack the bag, let's do all the running. I will get this baby in and out of this car 15 times if I have to, just to make my soul happy. And there are other days where I'm like, nope, we're not even going to shower. You know like we're going to stay in this house for the next three days and we're going to do yeah we're going to do a dash every meal Because I'm not cooking.
Speaker 1:
It's part of it, so yeah.
Speaker 2:
I totally get it. I do. I just and that's another thing you know deep down I want to say that's just who I am as a person, but it's who I've become, because that I feel different ways, different days. And I never know how I'm going to feel and I've never really been a depressed or anxious person. But let me tell you, try to grieve while postpartum you become okay.
Speaker 2:
Every single thing that you have never understood in your life. And that's been hard. You know, that's one thing that I was always like man. I've really been through it before my mom passed, but I've never been depressed. I've never really been anxious, like of course everybody has their oh man, like I'm a little scared, you know I'm nervous. I'm a little anxious about this, but I've never been like a super over anxious person and I don't even. I don't even know where to begin on the anxiety these days, yeah.
Speaker 1:
I wasn't until after KJ died. Yeah, it was like holy shit.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, you really feel for the people that you're like. You've been going through this for years and years and I've never understood it.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, you don't, until you, until you, like, my major thing was every little ache and pain is gonna fucking kill me, like literally, I'm not breathing, right, we gotta go to the hospital. I go to the hospital one day for panic attack and it's like you don't know what you don't know. It's finally, finally now getting better, yeah, but I'm like I just can't, I know.
Speaker 2:
It's crazy, it's so crazy.
Speaker 1:
It is like I had slight anxiety prior to that, like if we were out on the lake, I'm like, okay, I'm just need to park boat. Once the boat's parked, I'm good, yeah. But like moving through the cove and stuff, I'm like, oh, now we're doing this.
Speaker 2:
And then it got way worse for probably about a year and a half, yeah, and it's weird because again you're learning so many new things. You're learning especially you. You know you lost your husband, so you're learning literally a completely different life. Oh a completely new life.
Speaker 2:
But then you start having these weird feelings and you're like what is this, what? What is happening? Like. And you know, I've always very much in a very dark humor way. I'm like so many people tell me you're the strongest person I know, you'll go, you can get through anything.
Speaker 1:
I don't want to be strong.
Speaker 2:
I don't want to be the strong one anymore. Like God, I love you and I totally get that I had to go through this instead of somebody else, but like, can we not go through it anymore, right Can?
Speaker 1:
we stop, and that was always my. I'm like can I pass the torch? I'm like what fucking choice do I have? Yeah, what's the other?
Speaker 2:
options. Let it define me.
Speaker 1:
Because that's the option. I'm like you either get through it the best you fucking can. Yeah, you become an alcoholic, you become a drug addict. You just lay in your bed and not fucking leave. You're depressed. You let your kids see all that Like what is your fucking choices? Because I choose to keep on going like he would have wanted me to and live the life that we had originally planned, absolutely, because I'm not going to let it define me and I'm not going to let it put me down and I'm not going to let my kids see me in a dark fucking place and figure out how the hell to get out of it, yeah, and maybe never get out of it that you know, because a lot of people don't yeah and unfortunately, a lot of people don't.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and that's hard and I've seen that so many times and you know I it's hard because I love to have a little glass of wine. I like to have. You know, give me a high noon. I'm happy man, five months pregnant, and all you want to do is do something to forget. It's a blessing that I was pregnant because I could have seen myself going down a dark hole and trying to really mask those feelings, and so I'm like you know. Of course, the timing sucked.
Speaker 1:
I apologize. Our equipment decided to stop working in the middle of Shelby's interview. Please go on over to the next episode to continue listening. Thank you.