Grief Sucks - Life After Loss
Grief sucks! Let's talk about all the things people don't talk about when losing someone. Grief doesn't only come in death. You can grieve a friendship that you no longer have. Or a relationship that no longer exists. We often do not hear people talk about the unfiltered, raw emotions and thoughts that come with grief.
Did you hear a song today and bust out in tears? Did you see a picture and get pissed off? Did you cry for two seconds today and then you were okay? Have you lost your shit in the grocery store because suddenly grief took over? Are you scared that every little thing would kill you after the sudden loss of someone close to you? Do you feel like the people who was once close to you are no longer there?
LET'S TALK ABOUT ALL OF THIS!!! It's normal. Someone recently told me, grief is healing. I never thought about it this way. It makes sense, so let's heal together through stories, tears, laughter and the raw truth.
I am Linda Carter. I am a widow without a filter. 2021 brought a ton of loss and heartache to my family. We lost my husband and mother-in-law in the same day. That day happened to be my 40th birthday. The loss didn't stop there, we had more deaths, friendships changed, relationships changed, some people disappeared, and some showed up. It was crazy. My hope is that this podcast will help people tell their stories and help others heal or just simply know that you are not crazy. This is real shit and yes, it is happening to you. However, you will get through it.
Grief Sucks - Life After Loss
The Journey Through Widowhood to Self-Discovery
When the unimaginable happens and we're left to pick up the pieces in the wake of a loved one's passing, where do we find the strength to rebuild? This episode promises to guide you through that tender journey, with Cindy, a life purpose and grief coach, opening up about her own path to rediscovery after her husband's death. Her candid sharing of the early fog of "widow brain" and the pursuit of a refreshed identity amid grief's chaos will validate your experiences and perhaps illuminate your own path forward.
As we weave through the complexities of starting anew, we uncover the empowering aspects of grief coaching, an often-overlooked companion in the healing process. Cindy's insights reveal how striking a delicate balance between cherishing memories and daring to embrace joy can lead to profound self-discovery and growth. From solo travel to creating new traditions, she and I discuss the pivotal steps toward reshaping one's life with purpose and intention, a theme resonating throughout our heartfelt dialogue.
The narrative doesn't shy away from the diverse faces of loss—the quiet goodbyes, the abrupt farewells, and the grief that extends beyond death to encompass the departure of pets, careers, and friendships. The chapter on the universal upheavals of the COVID-19 pandemic touches on collective grief and the quest for a new normal, setting the stage for my reflections on the role of a grief coach and the unveiling of Cindy's "Finding Yourself" program. Join us in this intimate exploration of life's second act—a testament to the resilience within us all.
You can find Cindy's grief journal here Guided Grief Journal (cindyjburns.com)
If you would like to learn more about what Cindy does you can find that here Finding Purpose | Finding Purpose for Widows (cindyjburns.com)
Welcome to. Grief sucks life after loss. I am your host, linda, and I am here with Cindy today. Welcome, cindy.
Speaker 2:Hi Linda, how are you doing today?
Speaker 1:Good, how are?
Speaker 2:you. I'm great. It's Monday, you know, sunshine and start of a new week.
Speaker 1:It's going to be a good day.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my husband used to say I woke up breathing, so it's a good day.
Speaker 1:Yep, that's a plus, right, yeah, so tell us a little bit about what you do and how you got there.
Speaker 2:I'm a life purpose and grief coach. I started out working only with widows, but I've expanded now to anybody who's grieving for any reason, because I've had so many people ask me to do that. You know the grief. Nobody gets through life without some grief. No, and a lot of us, most of us, are unprepared for it. We just don't know what to expect. We think we're crazy. You know certain emotions, or widow brain is a thing.
Speaker 1:Yes, it is.
Speaker 2:Yes, and it lasts longer than pregnancy brain.
Speaker 2:It can last a couple of years, yeah for 12 years for me and I still blame it, but I got into it. My husband died 12 years ago. We'd been married just one month shy of 33 years. Oh, wow, yeah, it was a long time and we would have celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary last year. I did okay-ish.
Speaker 2:For several years after he died I was in active grief for crying every day for a few weeks and then life happened and kind of interrupted my grieving so I thought, okay, I'm done. I had things I had to do. I had to look for a new job because the company I was working for closed and I we raised six sons and one lived in Colorado and he needed me for things going on in his life. And so, after we had him straightened out, another son that lived four hours away from me. He needed me and I kind of lived there the majority of the time and came back home every like weekends or every once or twice a month, because I was their live-in chauffeur, because neither he or his wife could drive for a while for those years. And then things started looking up for them. So then I was back home.
Speaker 2:By that time I was retired, nobody needed me and I had no reason to get out of bed in the morning. Yeah, and that was really hard. That's when I started. I got out of bed because if I stayed in bed my back started hurting. So I get out of bed and I'd either sit at my computer and play games or chat on Facebook or something, or I'd sit in my recliner and watch TV. And I realized I mean, I would go a week without showering or even getting dressed. I'd be in my nightgown for a week and I realized that that's not normal. So I talked to my doctor and I got very, very lucky that the first medications we tried worked for me. It doesn't work for everybody. So if you're doctor, you know, if you're, you and your doctor agree that you might need medication, don't stop trying. If the first ones don't work, you've got to. It can take some work to find the right combination and that kind of thing, but it can help without making you feel like a zombie. Yeah, and so that helped a lot.
Speaker 2:But I still I was lacking a sense of purpose. I didn't. I didn't really know who I was anymore. I wasn't a wife, I wasn't a mother, and you know that full time. You know, mommy, I need you Right, kind of. And I was retired so I didn't know what to do. I tried a bunch of different things that were not right for me at all. I tried selling makeup. I don't wear makeup, so Is that an?
Speaker 2:or gal I did while I was doing it, but it just it wasn't me, yeah. Then I sold wine for a while. That was fun. I'm not a good girl's person, though, so I didn't, I didn't do well, but I still, you know, I met some nice people and we had a lot of fun.
Speaker 1:But it's hard to. It's hard because you are trying to figure out who you are without that person that has been in your life for so long and and who you're used to coexisting with. And for me, I went through multiple things to try to figure out, like, how are we going to like, keep keep life, and what's my life look like, and and a job, and just in general, who am I without him?
Speaker 2:Exactly, and you know, what you liked isn't necessarily what you're still going to like. Nope, because you liked it, because you were doing it with him, yeah absolutely.
Speaker 2:I started taking an art class and I joined the local art club. I can't draw stick figures. My husband was artist and I was always jealous of his talent. He was really good, and so I think that's why I did it, partly because of the socialization part of it. It got me out of the house once a week and so that was good, but I think it was the connection to him, yeah.
Speaker 2:And so a bunch of different things happened and I heard about life coaching and the course, the courses that I pulled up. The very first one I saw was a life purpose coach and I thought, oh my goodness, I took it for me because I needed a purpose and I thought maybe this will help me figure. You know, show me a way to figure it out. Well, by the end of it, I realized that I knew everything I was learning, that they were teaching, just didn't apply it to myself. You know it was all stuff that you know. When you raise six kids, you know you learn things and I love to give advice. So I learned a lot through it and I learned, I started learning who I was and I realized that my purpose was to help other people going through the same thing, you know, not knowing who they are, not having a sense of purpose, forgetting how to dream, because when your husband dies or your wife, the future you thought you were going to have together is gone Absolutely and it's hard to think of five years down the road.
Speaker 2:So you don't, you know, you cut yourself off and say, you know it's hard enough to think about tomorrow. And I finally figured it out that, yeah, I figured out who I was, what I like, who I am. It's not who I wanted to be. I want to be one of these free spirit type of people and I want to be charismatic and have everybody, you know, just oh, cindy's here. That's not me. That's not me. Yeah, I don't mind being a little bit in the background, you know, especially in a group, I'll take charge if nobody else does, but you know. So I learned a few things about myself, and so who you are isn't necessarily who you want to be, and that's okay and that's not who he was yeah, yeah, it's okay.
Speaker 2:Anything, everything is okay. I also realized that the past is in the past. I have memories, but I'm not living my former life, and that's okay. It's okay to create a good life for yourself. It's okay to be happy.
Speaker 1:Do you feel I love my life? I personally am in a good place, but I think getting there is hard and I think a lot of people do struggle with being happy after the fact or living a better life. I think there's part of you that feels guilty. If you're happy after your loss, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:I've had people tell me that and my answer is did he like it when you had fun? Did he love your laugh? Did he do things to make you laugh? And the answer is yes, almost every time. So that's your answer.
Speaker 2:Right there, you're not disrespecting his memory, you're honoring it. But you can use the grief, what you learn about yourself during the grieving process. You can use that to create a better life for yourself. Grief makes us stronger, makes us more resilient, it makes us brave. If we allow it to, if we open up and accept that I never would appear on camera with a microphone. Yeah, it's just was. I'm going to Ireland in two weeks, so I'm by myself, yeah, by myself, and I never would have done something like that. You know, and my husband was here, you know it. Just, I couldn't even have dinner or lunch alone in a restaurant, you know, and now it's fine. The thing I ask myself is what's the worst that can happen? And when I think about the worst thing that could happen, it's not as bad as the worst thing that actually happened.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So I can handle pretty much anything now, and if we allow ourselves, we can get to that point.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so. How did you so? You started with the life coaching part and then now you do grief coaching and you said you started with widows only, but now you extended that.
Speaker 2:So how certified is a grief doula? So I do hit some training and grief. It's not just just my personal experience.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely so. Is this is are you like listed somewhere where people can find you, or how does I guess that process play out? And because a lot of people you know if they're looking for a therapist, I know where to go to look for that, right, but this is, you can maybe explain the difference between a therapist, what do you do?
Speaker 2:a therapist and a counselor. They have letters after their name. I don't have any letters after my name. They can prescribe medication, some of them, and I can't do that. I can't accept insurance. You know insurance doesn't cover life coaching. It really should. It should A therapist or a counselor? They're more talk therapy, most of them were. They basically just listen. They might ask questions, pull things out of you, but that's that's all they do. They don't give you any skills to get through things as a life coach.
Speaker 2:I don't really care what happened when you were a child. I mean, we'll delve into that a little bit but you know, because it does. You know it formed who you are today. But I deal more with today and I will ask questions about now and I'll help you. If you don't have a goal in mind, I will help you focus on a goal, maybe steps. It can be a little. You know, having lunch in a restaurant by yourself. You know goals that can lead to a bigger one and I will help you create the steps and I'll be your sounding board. I will be, basically I'll be your best friend, but you pay me, but that's you know I. I don't tell you what to do, I help you figure out what the next step is and it's much more empowering to you than because I went through. I went to a counselor or therapist. It really didn't do much at all, and I hear that a lot. I hear that a lot. I did.
Speaker 2:I went through.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think counselor or therapists work for different people. For me it did it. But I also feel like a lot of therapists haven't been through what you've been through, so you know, great for a loss of a husband. For me, I had a younger therapist which he was very, very nice, but he's probably not ever dealt with grief a day in his life, whereas I feel like a lot of the coaches. There's a reason and a purpose. Something brought them there and they're more than likely to have those life experiences and fully understand what you're going through because they've been there.
Speaker 2:Yes, we joke that our clients are who we were before and most coaches in anything you know, whether they're a fitness coach or a financial coach. You know all different kinds of coaches. Generally it's because they went through something.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:You know they just want to, they want to help others Make it easier. I can't take anybody's grief away. No, you know I can't erase it, it will always be with you. But I can make it easier to manage and you know, by helping you learn to dream again, by helping you learn who you are and then finding your purpose and then living your purpose, and you know. So those 4 steps make it easier and I think the sooner you start on those steps, the quicker it gets easier. Yeah, but um, I mean you have to, you have to feel your feelings first. That's the biggest thing you do.
Speaker 1:And I think that's, um, that's huge, because a lot of people don't, a lot of people just want to tuck it away.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's what I see. I felt mine more and through journaling and a couple of really good books and then myself taking the life coach, of course um, all of those helped me work on me and helped me really feel the things that I was going through, and I think that's a part of how and why I'm. I feel like I'm in a good place now and that I can have these conversations and want to help other people, and not everybody. You know, everybody grieves differently and some people tuck it away and some people deal with it for years and years like hardcore can't, can't function, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I, I tucked it away. I mean, I, I, I did the active grieving for Maybe the first month and then after that I just kind of I didn't want my sons to worry about me. So well, I don't cry in public. I don't like to cry in public. I did cry at the funeral but, um, other than that, they didn't really see me cry, they didn't really. I did it all in my car.
Speaker 1:Yup, I took a wipe to the bathroom.
Speaker 2:I would yell at Dan, I would yell at God. I did that, yup, yup, and God understands. You know, he's got broad shoulders.
Speaker 1:He can handle it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there was a lot of that, but it wasn't done when they were around. I've got two adults, two of my adult sons, live with me and I don't know what I'd do without them.
Speaker 1:I think, I think, regardless of their age, as a mom, feel like you have to. Yeah, yeah, you have to protect that and you have to deal with your things in your own way and not for them to see too much of it. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And as they're growing up, you know, oh, mom's never sick. Well, yeah, she is. She just continues being mad. Oh yeah, no other choice, right? And the people would tell me after Dan died oh, you're so strong, I'm just doing what needs to be done, I know.
Speaker 1:And that's where I heard that so many times was. I don't know how you did it. I'm like what was my other options? Like exactly what was I supposed?
Speaker 2:to do. What else could I do? One day at a time, and some days it was one minute at a time, absolutely Because he was. He died from stage four lung cancer, which was diagnosed on Mother's Day in May.
Speaker 2:And he went into the hospital and never came out. He died on August 2nd 2011. And I stayed in the hospital the whole time with him. You know they had a bedside sofa thing that pulled out, so I stayed there and my son's brought me up clothes. There was a private shower their oncology floor is really nice Private room and so when the night he died, I went I don't remember the trip from the hospital back to my house. I don't know if I drove my car, got there, but I don't remember it at all. But I remember standing at my door with my back to the door and saying I can't go in there without him, and that's when I broke down. I didn't cry when he died.
Speaker 2:It was the idea of going into the house, because the last time I was in the house he was good to me, so obviously I made it into the house. But it is that's one thing I want to tell especially people who are new to grief it's okay to not be okay, absolutely. I ended up with a bleeding ulcer because I kept everything inside. After a while, I want my sons to worry about me and probably would have done them a favor if I had allowed them to see me grieve. Because they didn't appear. They did everything in private too, and because they didn't want to upset me. And we need to open up and we need to be more honest with each other about our feelings.
Speaker 1:They didn't know how I, especially when it's you and your sons or the group of friends that are close, when everybody's grieving the same person, the same thing. I think a lot of times people don't want to say something because they don't feel like their grief is as bad as your grief, and the reality is, if we all talk about it, we will all be better off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's funny because when most people, when we talk about grief, you get together with other widows or whatever it's not, they don't want to tell their story because they don't want to play the my Grief is Worse Than your Grief game. Sometimes people do with illnesses. Oh well, when I had the flu, I was in bed for three days, couldn't move, and somebody else was well. I was in bed for a week, and it's the one-out thing when we're grieving, we don't want to do that, so we keep it a little more private when we should be sharing our stories. We should be talking about our husbands, our wives, whoever we lost. I lost my father 10 years to the day before my husband died. My father died August 2, 2001. My husband died August 2, 2011. Oh wow, and I say he did it on purpose because he knew how bad I was with dates. It took us a possibility, but it was also all. Six of my sons happened to be there, and so we went out and we interviewed funeral homes because I knew it was coming.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And we. So when we got back I told Dan he was basically comatose at this point, but I told him I said everything's ready, so whenever you're ready. And he died that night I was standing by his bedside holding his hand. He opened his eyes, looked at me and then slowly closed his eyes and he was gone, and I. For me, that's such a beautiful memory because it wasn't agony. Six years later, when my mother died, I was there with her when she died. They took her off her respirator and her body just started gasping for breath. And it was that is awful.
Speaker 1:That is the worst. I think that is the worst type. Yeah, it's the same with my grandfather and that is like the last memories I have and it just was an awful experience.
Speaker 2:And I had such guilt I still would have to battle it and push it away because I was the one that was there with her. They intubated her without my knowledge and I knew she didn't want that and I would have fought it. There were other ways they could have helped her. They didn't need to completely sedate her and put her on the respirator. We left her there for about a week. I mean, I was there every day sitting by her bedside. Luckily, I had a job that I was already working from home so I could work anywhere. I had an internet connection and finally I said this is enough.
Speaker 2:The doctor said she's not going to be able to breathe on her own and so I said ease up on the sedation. I want to talk to her, I want to make sure she understands. And I told her I said do you want that? She kept saying like pulling at it. She said do you want that out? And she nodded. I said do you know that if they take it out, you probably won't breathe on your own and you'll die? And she nodded and I said is that OK? And she really nodded. That's what she wanted. But they didn't sedate her very much, not enough. And yeah, it was not a pleasant death.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:But that was Friday, the 13th 2013. Dates for us, it really so. Yeah, so it's been 10 years. It doesn't seem like it was that much. It was just two years after Dan died.
Speaker 1:It's so crazy how sometimes it feels like it's forever ago and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. And then sometimes I mean, I'm just two years in. And sometimes I'm driving down the street and I'm like, oh, I can't, I'll just have a thought. And I'm like, oh, I can't go home and tell him that because he's not there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I wanted to know what time of day I was born. And because somebody wanted it, human design have you heard of that?
Speaker 1:I think so.
Speaker 2:It's like astrology, but not and. But it's based on where you were born, the time of day, the time and, of course, the date. And I had my birth certificate but it didn't have a time on it and I thought there's nobody left that I can ask. Yeah, you know there's nobody. I have two aunts, but you know they weren't there. Yeah, they would know. Yeah, I don't think they'd remember. I haven't asked them. But you know it's strange. You know, I am now the basically the matriarch of the family. I have three brothers, but I'm the only girl. So now I'm, they've called me. You know, I'm the matriarch, I'm the queen bee. Well, you know, when my granddaughters they're still young but they're kind of past the princess phase yeah, they were really big into the princess phase and I said, why be a princess when you can be a queen? You know, be the one in charge, absolutely. I don't know why every little girl wants to be a princess. I always wanted to be the queen.
Speaker 1:Well, now you're in charge of all the things.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, it's grief is, you know, and we've lost animals, you know pets that we'd love. Losing a job can bring on grief. Losing a friendship, whether it's, you know, because of a misunderstanding and argument, or maybe just because you moved or you just kind of, you know, grew away from each other, you grieve for that friendship.
Speaker 1:Yeah there's so many different ways of and there's so many different forms of grief that I think a lot of people don't understand, and when I started this I wanted to hit on that and make sure that everybody knew. Like, even if you're grieving a friendship or what was or what could have been, that's so grief and we still want to talk about it here because it's all important. It's all still a type of grief and you know what you may be going through, someone else may be going through and not knowing how. So any type of information or talking about that that could help anybody. I'm here for it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and sometimes that's all we need. We just need two ears to listen, and that's what I try to do. You know, when somebody is especially if they're new to grief and they come to me, you know I listen. You know the first thing, on my podcast. I have a podcast, as well, called the Good Grief podcast. Okay, I pay, interview people who have gone through grief and made something good come from it. Okay, Whether it's in their own lives or, you know, in the world in general. But I don't have, you know, some podcasters. They have a list of questions and they kind of think all I do is I say, okay, tell us your story, and they run with it. You know everybody wants to tell their story.
Speaker 1:And I think that's important and that's why I want it to do mine that way too, just kind of conversational style, because it's real, it's not scripted. I don't go through and edit stuff, I just push it because I think where people can relate to us better that way, because at the end of the day we've all been through some type of grief, we're all dealing with something and the words of someone else you never know what someone else is going through so those words may resonate with anybody and I want that to come naturally to help other people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's grief. I mean it's different, but it doesn't mean it's better or worse.
Speaker 2:You know, it's the grief I feel for my parents, even from the grief I felt for my father, was different than what I felt for my mother, and both of those were different than the grief I felt for my husband. For my husband, because he was part of my daily life, I still it's like I had to ask him. No, I can't, I want to tell him something. He's spent 12 years and I still do that, so that kind of thing I don't think goes away and I don't mind it. It doesn't make me feel sad anymore, it's just it's like it's a memory that, yeah, he would have known the answer and it makes me feel like he was my problem solver and he always thought outside the box.
Speaker 2:He was and I missed that. But he when I think of him now it's it's not in sadness, you know it's. I'm happy to have those kind of memories and I used to have dreams where he was alive but we were screaming and yelling at each other and he was cheating on me, he was leaving me and all this. None of that ever really happened. We had a very good marriage. We never argued, we were mad at each other and that taught for a period of time.
Speaker 1:I feel that I have a razor Because we had. We had a great marriage as well, and we we didn't argue about things. And then, since he has died, I randomly have dreams every now and then. It's like he's alive, but he's pissed because I sold a shit. I'm like what?
Speaker 2:is happening. I would have these, these dreams. I'd have them like almost every night for like a week or two or three. You know, you wake up in the morning and you just you feel like you've been through that argument, yeah, and it would ruin my day. And I remember one argument, though I said I don't have to take this from you anymore, you're dead, leave me alone. And I didn't have the dreams again for several months. But now, now that I know who I am and I'm comfortable with who I am and I'm, and I can talk about him and think about him without, you know, breaking down. When I dream about him, it's a good dream. Yeah, I had a dream the other day that we were going on our honeymoon and that was really nice.
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 2:We went to Montreal. Yeah, so I mean my, my best memory. You know when they say you know what's the memory, your best memory? It was our wedding day. Yeah, it was just Perfect because both of us, for us, the actual wedding was not important, it was what came after, it was the marriage. And during the ceremony we're cracking jokes with each other and I mean we're laughing. I told my mother afterwards. I said because I was laughing, my shoulders were shaking. I said Praying. She says oh no, we knew you were laughing. And at one point I said we better shut up. He hasn't actually married us yet. And the priest looked at me once oh yes, start to own the line, girl.
Speaker 1:Sounds like you and Dan had a fun life together.
Speaker 2:We did, we did. He always loved to make people laugh. Yeah, there's a lot of memories that make that, that make me smile, make me laugh, and it's nice to be able to think about those now Without make, without it making me sad. Okay, so, and, and that's that's what I want. To help other people, you know, I want to get them to that point where they're comfortable. I mean, I love my life now. I love what I do.
Speaker 2:I could talk about grief all day long, which is weird, I know, but I Love what I do. I love the people I I work with. I love the life I'm living. I believe ever Ireland in two weeks. My son made that possible. It was a Christmas gift from him, but I Love who I am. I am the most comfortable with myself that I've ever been, and Would I give it all up if he was back? You bet absolutely. It's not gonna hit, it's not gonna happen. So I might as well live a good life. Yep, you know I could live it. I could live another 10 or 20 years, you know, and I don't want it to be sitting in my robe in front of the TV.
Speaker 1:Yeah, make the best. Life is short, make the best of it and that's what, well, you know, we tried to me and the kids still try to make as many memories as we can and have fun, and because that's what we did with him, you know we he was big on memories and doing the fun things and we try to continue to do that and To live, live our life it honors his memory when you, you're living your best life.
Speaker 2:You know it's. It's not dishonoring or disrespecting at all. You know they wanted you to, to be happy. They want. You know they loved hearing us laugh and so why not do it?
Speaker 1:Yep, that was our thing, was we wanted to continue to live the way that we were and the way that we had planned, make the best of it and live our best life? Yeah.
Speaker 2:What are some of the things you do to honor him? Do you do anything in particular we do on his?
Speaker 1:birthday my son, who is 15. He has a memorial ride because they used to go ride side by side and things like that. So he does a weekend where he does a memorial ride and then the following weekend do a cookout For his birthday and invite, you know, all the friends and family that were close to us, and then just every day We've never been, we've always been close to him. We've never been. We've always made sure that we talk about him often. So you know, we, we never just talk that away. So we're, we're always talking about either memories with him or what he would do, or bring up his name. So that's, that's something that's a constant for us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I have a list of things that friends can do for somebody you know. If you have a friend or relative who's you know become widowed, what can you do to help? And one of the things is Talk to them, say their name, say you know their loved one's name, their husband or wife. Say their name, because you know people, people, oh, I. I don't want to bring up bad memories, I don't want to make her. You know what we're still. We're thinking about them anyway, you know I'll talk about him.
Speaker 1:And I think that's a huge I think that was huge in our healing process was talking about him often.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's, that's what you know. My family and his always did you know we, his parents both passed. His father died early. He was 56 or 57. We'd only been married like three years and he was a wonderful man. He's the one that made me want to go to Ireland. He, we were going to go together someday.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow.
Speaker 2:And so I'm going to take a picture of him with me, and, but you know that would. That was the first major loss I'd ever had. My grandparents were still alive, you know, except for one grandfather, that he died when I was a baby, but you know I hadn't lost anybody.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I think that one and that came is a shock to me how I felt.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think it's different too because, like your grandparent too, just For me, like I just expect your, my grandparents, to go. You know they're older or whatnot, so I think the situation is different. Your, your parents, of course, you expect them to go longer, but when you lose a spouse I, especially mine, is 40, so, especially at our age, I I think that's a really good thing about being a you.
Speaker 2:There's nothing that could ever prepare you for that like ever in your life, I don't think yeah, um, yeah, I was 54 and I didn't know any other widows except my mother. I didn't know anybody and I didn't want to go to one of like a grief support group People crying yeah, I just want to do it and If, if there had been a me Available at that time, I would have been on it you know, I didn't want to have, especially online, so I didn't have to leave my house.
Speaker 2:I am a bit of a hermit I. I will do Whatever I can from my office, so I'm, I'm, I'm kind of an introvert that way. But, um, you know, if I've been able to do something, you know have have coaching At that time I wish there'd been a me went back when I needed me absolutely.
Speaker 1:I think it's. It's hard to Reach out for help but find somebody that you can relate to and that, especially when it's it's a Spousal loss or something like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's really good. The internet is wonderful. People ask me. You know, sometimes we'll ask how do I choose a coach? And I, everybody's online. Now you know they've got a facebook page where they go live or, um, you know, maybe they do podcasts, you, you look at you, look at that and see, because I'm not for everybody, you know, I, I know that and but there are people who I am right for. Absolutely the people want to help. And what I have to say? I love that you said journaling helped you.
Speaker 1:Oh, that was good.
Speaker 2:I wrote like I yeah, well, I've got um a free grief, guided grief journal and it'll give you prompts for letters, for Just a variety of different things. You know, write your favorite memory and you know I tell people take it. You may not want every page. You know may not be for you, the ones that are your favorite, you know. Print out 20, 30 pages.
Speaker 1:Yep, and I wrote letters to my husband, um, every day, every other day, whenever I felt the need to, for Probably a solid six months. Yeah, just things that I, you know, wanted to tell him or wanted to say, or um, and then those on top of different type of journaling, that was huge for me, yeah yeah, I would.
Speaker 2:The hardest for me was writing about my feelings, uh-huh, because I, you know, I never admitted feeling and um, but that it was the hardest, but I think it was the best. You know, Got to feel your feelings. You've got to To name them. And if you can't name them, if you don't know exactly what it is you're feeling right at that moment, name it fred. Yeah, oh, I'm feeling really fred today, yeah, okay.
Speaker 2:I like that, yeah and um, and don't forget to laugh. It's okay to laugh, it's a good thing to laugh, it really does, even if you have to fake it. Did you know that the act of smiling, whether you mean it or not, the act of smiling releases dopamine in the brain and it makes you feel better? You know, you may not notice it right away, but you know they say, you know, fake it till you make it. Or you know, smile and and it really does, it helps, you know. So this exercise and yeah, and talking, you know, those are all very good things that a new widow's person can use.
Speaker 1:And I think, just as it's okay to not be okay, it's okay to be okay.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, both ways it works. And Whatever you're feeling, you may have you know one day where you're, you're on top of the world. You just feel really great and you know you wish your husband was there to share it with you. But Um it, that doesn't ruin the day. But then the next day, something or someone you know, sometimes you know what triggers it. Sometimes you don't Mm-hmm, and the next day may be horrible. You may have that kind of thing in one day.
Speaker 2:You know it starts out great, then it's great, that's good. I have a mean that it says it shows what, how they say grief goes and it's kind of a line and it goes up and down and that kind of thing, how grief really is and it's just this whole big scribble.
Speaker 1:There's no, it's just the mess.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the five stages. There's more than five stages, first of all, and they don't go in any kind of order.
Speaker 1:And you may.
Speaker 2:You may think okay, I've been through, you know that, one stage, so it's done. No, honey, it's not done, it's gonna come back. Yeah, find the second year. Was it harder than the first? I've heard some people say that.
Speaker 1:No, for me, for me, the first year was like a total fog. I have no idea. I couldn't tell you what happened in the first year, um, and then, after that first year, we were kind of getting back to to life a little bit and, you know, learning, learning the new, the new, new life I guess, the new, normal, um, and this year, like almost two years to the day, I feel like it's Like we can life again. We can, yeah, you know, fully move on and and be okay and, like I said, I'm in a good yeah, you've kind of gotten used to.
Speaker 2:You, know your routine, your new. I hate the phrase but it works. The new normal yeah, that was, that was so overdone during COVID. Yeah Well, we're gonna have to get used to a new normal, but it it does describe it. You know, um, that COVID that gave us so many little people it did.
Speaker 1:I think for me it was kind of a why it was horrible situations and also, but it also gave us more time together for for my household, it gave us more time with my husband, um and we had. Yep, I think we had better quality time during that.
Speaker 2:Then we had an all time Do you mind if I ask what he died of.
Speaker 1:Um it's. He died of a stroke.
Speaker 2:Um, but so his Unexpected definitely unexpected.
Speaker 1:Um, he did have COVID. He was on the tail end of it. Uh, his mother died the same day. They died within 20 minutes of each other. She did die from COVID. They were not together. Uh, so it's kind of kind of the instance of. We got the phone call that she was probably dying and Then that kind of spiraled him. So our situation and, um, I'm at one hospital, my sister-in-law is at another hospital. We had all this going on, um, so yeah, it was uh.
Speaker 2:It was a mess. They let you in to be with him.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:See that those horrible stories I'm hearing is you know they couldn't be with their loved one when they died. It wouldn't lie.
Speaker 1:But I think ours was a little bit different though, because we weren't in the. We weren't, it was two years ago, so we weren't in the mix of, you know, the hardcore COVID. Um, we're in a small town, our little hospital were there two days prior for him being sick, so our little small town hospital wasn't like locked down and um, we, we just weren't in that hardcore Nobody comes in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my brother works at um, a large hospital in um Syracuse where I'm originally from, and um, they, they, they ran out of beds. You know they were having to Borrow beds, you know, from other hospitals in the area and they tried, you know, very hard to keep the COVID patients separate from, you know, the the regular population. It was a mess Because they weren't ready for it. Yeah, nobody, you don't expect that kind of thing.
Speaker 1:Nope, oh craziness. But yeah, I think I think there was as much as bad. I think it also brought some people, like I said, it gave you that time. Um yes, yes and I think that was definitely for us Worth family time and yeah, but it was some of the best times, I mean, because prior to that we had Multiple businesses so we were always on the go and that gave especially him and my son more time Um to spend together and they would go right in and things like that. That's good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we were able to create good memories during that time. Uh-huh, that's wonderful. Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1:I appreciate you being on. I'm excited you are my first widow um guest, I don't know. Well, I'm honored. I appreciate you coming on and talking about your experience and what you do. Um, I think a lot of people could benefit from a life coach, grief coach, things like that, and I think that can resonate with a lot more people than maybe sometimes therapy does, because I think we all have this. Like I said, it didn't work for me. I have friends that absolutely love it and it works for them, yeah yeah, my son's.
Speaker 2:He's a therapist and he, he absolutely loves her you know, it's. It's different for everybody.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think it's just finding what works for us.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, if anybody wants the guided grief journal, it's real easy. It's cindyjburnscom slash journal.
Speaker 1:And I'll put that in our. I'll put that in our notes as well, so that's there in writing, if anybody wants that. And um, you got anything else for us today, cindy?
Speaker 2:I think that's it I'm going to be. I'm well, I'm open enrollment. I I accept clients at any time, especially, you know, if you do want to do one-on-one. But I do have a program, um, that's a five-week program called finding yourself and that's that's open enrollment right now. Um, because I do, it turns into a group so I don't take too many people into it. Um, because it just gets too too much to handle. I can't keep everybody straight. You know their names and I like them to know they're. You know each other Absolutely. There's yeah, there's, a learning component that I've released, like on Monday or something in the video. Um, it might be a little bit of homework, nothing major, and then later in the week, usually a Thursday, we get together and it's a group session. So either talk about what went on you know in From their, the lesson that they had on Monday, or life in general. You know whatever's going on in their lives. So, yeah, you can reach me at Cindy. At Cindy j burns that time. That's my email.
Speaker 1:Perfect. Well, I appreciate you being on and we're going to go ahead and end this. Uh, thank you everybody for listening. We look forward to seeing you next time.