Grief Sucks - Life After Loss
Grief sucks! Let's talk about all the things people don't talk about when losing someone. Grief doesn't only come in death. You can grieve a friendship that you no longer have. Or a relationship that no longer exists. We often do not hear people talk about the unfiltered, raw emotions and thoughts that come with grief.
Did you hear a song today and bust out in tears? Did you see a picture and get pissed off? Did you cry for two seconds today and then you were okay? Have you lost your shit in the grocery store because suddenly grief took over? Are you scared that every little thing would kill you after the sudden loss of someone close to you? Do you feel like the people who was once close to you are no longer there?
LET'S TALK ABOUT ALL OF THIS!!! It's normal. Someone recently told me, grief is healing. I never thought about it this way. It makes sense, so let's heal together through stories, tears, laughter and the raw truth.
I am Linda Carter. I am a widow without a filter. 2021 brought a ton of loss and heartache to my family. We lost my husband and mother-in-law in the same day. That day happened to be my 40th birthday. The loss didn't stop there, we had more deaths, friendships changed, relationships changed, some people disappeared, and some showed up. It was crazy. My hope is that this podcast will help people tell their stories and help others heal or just simply know that you are not crazy. This is real shit and yes, it is happening to you. However, you will get through it.
Grief Sucks - Life After Loss
Healing Waters and Life’s Transitions
Understanding grief is a journey, and as we return from an unexpected hiatus, Andrea and I take you through the complexities of our personal experiences. From the overwhelming task of being the sole parent to new challenges like teaching my child to drive, to the bittersweet emotions surrounding family milestones and anniversaries, we share honestly about the struggles and triumphs post-loss. We also explore the balance between seeking companionship and craving solitude, reflecting on how grief can resurface unexpectedly and leave us feeling stuck.
Water has always held a unique allure, offering both tranquility and anxiety. Join us as we discuss the soothing yet daunting nature of the ocean, the calming presence of a balcony room on a cruise, and the joy of introducing newcomers to the serenity of the sea. Our upcoming travels, a cruise from Miami and a soccer tournament in Florida, are more than just trips—they are opportunities for healing and finding peace amid life's challenges.
Throughout the episode, we tackle the emotional challenges of trauma and growth. From daily fears to the ways we process childhood issues, we consider therapies like psilocybin that offer new healing pathways. As Andrea and I share stories and insights, we emphasize the power of storytelling in finding resilience and hope in the face of loss. Whether it's through journaling, setting emotional boundaries, or exploring psychedelic therapies, we explore paths to self-awareness and peace, inviting you to join us in this journey of healing.
All support is greatly appreciated.
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2255666/support
Welcome to Grief Sucks Life After Loss, where we talk all things grief. Thanks for being with us today and we hope you enjoy this episode. We're back. Andrea is joining me again today because she loves to come visit me, and we're going to talk about the break Much needed. I think the last episode that I put out was in April. I didn't anticipate taking this long of a break, but it it is what it is and I'm back. We'll see how it goes. We're happy that you're back.
Speaker 1:So life was just lifing and I feel like I should have probably podcasted through it all to share, but instead I just kind of shut down because, yeah, that's just where I was mentally exhausted. I guess I got the best of me. There was a lot going on that I feel like I wasn't supposed to be going through by myself. I wasn't supposed to be the one handling the things. Or, for instance, michaela bought her first house and her first like she bought her first brand new 2024 car and then, within I think a month, she bought her first house and I'm like those are big milestones, big, and I think that's kind of. I was kind of falling into a funk before that, I think that I think she did that in May. Also, may was KJ's birthday, so it's just a lot going on in that month and I just kept thinking and she didn't say it, but I'm sure she wished he was there and, you know, was thinking about all the things and how he would handle things, and he and I definitely handled things differently. Yeah, he would have been all right there and my back was fucked up. So I was limited on what I could do and I was all in my feelings and I was like I can drive a truck but I can't move anything and in my mind it was a fucking disaster, because I'm just like mentally I wanted to do all the things to help her, but I was limited and I just felt some type of way, yep, she was fine, you know, and and a friend reached out and they're like, you know, you're a great mom and she understands all the things. I was like, but I just that's great to hear, but I just don't feel that way. So that was rough.
Speaker 1:Um, and then KJ's birthday. Normally we have a cookout every year and I just wasn't feeling it. I just I just couldn't do it. This year, dylan does his memorial ride around KJ's birthday, so I went to that and he does. They do it for a weekend or whatnot. I went and stayed for the day and that was great. But when it comes to doing anything outside of that, I'm like I guess I was in my feelings because I'm like, can y'all just like drive out here, spend some hours and support? You know what I'm saying? It's just always the same handful of people. And then I'm like I just don't want to throw something big at the house. I don't. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't feel like peopling, I guess, or I felt some type of way about people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know I didn't feel like peopling.
Speaker 1:I guess or I felt some type of way about people. Yep, I get that, that sometimes I only see, maybe just on that day or or whatever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm like nope, we're just gonna skip that. And we went to dinner instead with the kids and Chrissy and Alexander, and that was fine for that. And then it was time for Dylan to get his learner's permit, which I was not supposed to be the one to teach the kids how to drive, because my anxiety does not like that, and I didn't teach Michaela how to drive. So here we was, learner's permit. I'm horrible. I've rode with him like two or three times. It's a community effort around here. Hey, thank God.
Speaker 1:Thank God for Christy and Ronnie, because they have definitely helped with that, and it's not that I don't want to, but my anxiety just kicks in some days and then you have that feeling of you know, I wasn't supposed to be the one, why aren't you here to do this, and all those feelings surrounding that, I don't know. Just all together it brings down a fucking mental bog. And then how do you handle it?
Speaker 2:yeah, I get that and it's hard whenever, like, you want to be around people, but at the same, on the same page, just two lines down, you don't want anyone around you. No, you don't want anyone to look at you, you don't want anyone to think about you. Just fucking leave me alone and pretend that I don't exist, because that's how I feel right now yeah, yep, and that was kind of our anniversary.
Speaker 1:Was what last last weekend? Last sunday would have been our anniversary and I'm like made a post fire day and I'm like day of don't speak to me, don't talk to me, don't text me, don't bring it up, don't nothing. I'm gonna sit in my house and I'm not gonna do shit, and that is that. I just couldn't. Couldn't do it that day. So hopefully I don't know.
Speaker 1:I think once you, you get in that that state, it's hard to pull out of. Yeah, and I'm not out of it. I'm still trying to figure out how to fucking climb my way out. And you know, even through all of this, you know, some days you feel like you're great, you're good, and it could be weeks, it could be months, could be a fucking year, and then suddenly something happened and you're like bam, you're just fucking down and in this fog and you, you're stuck. You don't know how to fucking get out of it. And I still don't know how to get out of it. I'm just trying to wake up in life and see how I feel that day and what I can get done, and hope that someday life will be totally normal every day. But is that a thing?
Speaker 2:right. I mean I. I was going through some old journal prompts the other day, um, and I had written out something. I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so smart I give out such good advice. Life is one of those precious gifts that on some level everyone understands, some more than others. Sometimes you become hyper aware of just how fragile everything we touch or feel truly is, the people we know and how they intertwine in our daily lives, knowing that at any point they can just be gone. Life is short, that's for sure.
Speaker 2:I woke up. I've been having really bad insomnia lately and like I'll go lay down at nine o'clock and it'll still be four in the morning and I'm wide awake, haven't fallen asleep yet. Try not to look at my phone, try not to hit my babe, try and just to fucking, just, just, just let your body relax. That's what it needs. And like I just I can't turn it off. And then it occurred to me like, while I was going through all my whatever's in my brain, I was like oh shit, I don't hear thomas snoring. Is he alive? So I lap him on the back and he's like well, what's going on? I'm like all right, I didn't hear you breathing.
Speaker 1:Sorry, not aggressive he must have that carter thing, because I remember kenja used to do that and I'd be like if he didn't like start, start snorting, and I smacked this shit, I love it. Yes, yeah, I'm like if you're not snoring, you're not breathing.
Speaker 2:Exactly, yeah, I uh, I've had some weird like PTSD flashbacks coming back lately. So that's been interesting, some from my mom mom, some from the lake um, with us going on our cruise coming up in November. I'm excited about it, but I'm also very nervous. I'm trying not like I've never done a cruise. So I am trying not to let myself build up expectations for what it's going to be like, so that when my feelings do come because they're going to just be better, that's going to happen to me I want to be able to process it as clearly as I can, without being like, oh okay, well, I already in my head this is going to happen and now I've decided that this is going to be my reaction and this is how everyone else is going to react and go through that anxiety spiral response of okay, let me figure everything out so that I can control what's going to happen to me. So I've been talking to my therapist a lot about that lately. What's going to?
Speaker 1:happen to me, so I've been talking to my therapist a lot about that lately. Is it because of the incident at home or something else?
Speaker 2:I think that's most of it. I started getting weird about water a couple of years before that.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:We were on a vacation and it was Emma's first time at the ocean with us and Thomas was up in the condo working on the balcony and we were down at the beach with some friends of ours and Emma and my niece were like ankle deep in the water, you know, just playing in the ocean, and then they just slowly kind of got out a little bit further. Emma got stuck in a riptide and didn't know what to do, couldn't get out, so I'm just, you know, flying in.
Speaker 2:I was like, okay, the ocean's gonna take us both today, just take one yeah, like all right, like I don't think so, I'm not just letting my kid just continually go out further and further, like that piece to me was so scary, thinking that the water was going to take her away from me. Yeah, and a couple of years later, yeah, that happened, and then it I'm thankful that it wasn't her, which also feels selfish to say, but it doesn't make it hurt any less, no, absolutely not, you know, absolutely not say but it doesn't make it hurt any less. No, absolutely not, you know, absolutely not.
Speaker 2:So my therapist on friday we had a discussion and he was like because over the summer I did as much getting into the water and putting myself immersive therapy, basically putting myself in situations that I knew were going to be more higher anxiety for me, and I was able to do it a couple of times this summer, I felt okay about it. And then he had asked me if I'd been down at our lake and I was like no, I don't go down there. He was like you don't go down there or you can't go down there. I was like no, I just don't. And he was like, okay, well, like what if you went down there and did like a meditation or just kind of spent some time there by the water and just kind of let yourself feel what you need to feel. So I did that on Sunday and I don't know what I expected to get out of that, but I don't think.
Speaker 1:I've been right since I say did you get something out of it?
Speaker 2:I don't know. I mean I told myself I forgave her or I forgave, I forgive myself for not being able to find her, not being able to do what I feel like my duties were, but I don't know if I meant it, if that makes sense yeah, absolutely 100.
Speaker 1:That's a hard, hard, hard situation and and I I would probably done felt the fucking thing with dirt and, like I don't know that I could do it, my whole house might have been up for sale, I don't know. That's a tough ass situation to deal with and then have to walk out of your house every day and see that spot. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:Like I just I sat on the dock and like I really wanted to put my feet in the water because it was it was really nice out on Sunday and it was warm enough, but still like kind of fall warm like I dipped my finger in the water and I was like, okay, the water temperature isn't that bad and I tried to put my feet in and as soon as my toes hit the water I instantly got a pain like in my heart and I was like I don't know if I can do this and I made myself sit down there for 30 minutes and I listened to like a trauma meditation of some kind. Yeah, release your shit. You know there were a lot of tears, a lot of tears that's probably gonna happen for, oh yeah, a long time.
Speaker 2:You know that's I talked to her mom yesterday and just kind of seeing how she's doing and stuff and I was telling her about I was like so she had mentioned to me that um, she was afraid that at some point her therapist was going to suggest to her to come out together to come out to the property and stuff.
Speaker 2:And I was like yeah, I don't go down there either. And then that was a previous conversation that she and I had had, and so I told her I was like well, if I ever make it down there and do it, I'll let you know how it goes. And so whenever I saw her I was like so I did it. It was really, really difficult, but I think I'll probably end up putting myself in the situation to do it a couple more times before we go. Just, I think, I think my heart needs it, if that makes sense.
Speaker 1:I think your heart needs it period, not just before your cruise or whatnot. And on the cruise side of it I don't have the water trauma. But I'm not a water girl like I don't swim well, I don't even all the fucking 13 years ago into the lake for the first probably 10, maybe 9 I didn't get in the water. I set my ass on that boat and I get in the water. My kids were in there. I'm you know fucking looking all around, make sure I get in the water. My kids were in there. I'm you know fucking looking all around, make sure I know where the kids are at all times.
Speaker 1:When we would go in a party cove, my fucking anxiety would get so high. And when I did start getting in the water, my ass had a life jacket on every day and time. I'm good, I just something about it. When it comes to the ocean, I don't get in the ocean. I need to sit next to it and hear it, smell it and look at it. But when it comes to getting in it, I don't need to be swept away and I sure as fuck don't need to know what the hell is in there. I don't see any critters in the ocean. Look, I want to see the dolphins from afar, and that's it. Being on a cruise ship, though something about it, but same as sitting on a beach at the ocean. Something about it just soothes my soul.
Speaker 2:There's just that's what I'm hoping for. I'm hoping that it will bring me the peace that I need from the water, if that makes sense.
Speaker 1:I hope it does for you, like it does me, because there's just something I can just sit on the balcony and just listen watch. I can just sit on the balcony and just listen watch. Um, and this last cruise we we went in August we did get lucky and there was dolphins like kind of chasing the boat. They were staying in the tides and stuff. So that was that was really cool to see. But I mean there's walls up on you know that are tall, so there's somebody that you can't really fall over a cruise ship, yeah, and like that's not my concern.
Speaker 2:I don't really know. No, I do know what my concern is that I won't be able to see land, that at some point I'm going to realize, oh fuck, I can't get back to where I just came from because I'm stuck and I'm not in control.
Speaker 1:I think, though, you guys, your ship has a lot going on, so I mean A you don't have to go outside if you don't want to. There's plenty of stuff on there for you to do and see, and shows and food and games and all of that. Sorry, you do have a balcony room, so you got the ocean outside. Sorry, you do have a balcony room, so you got the ocean outside your door.
Speaker 2:That's fine. That was one of the things that I was like look, if I'm going to be on this boat and I'm going to be like I'm going to be scared of being on this boat, I at least want a pretty. I don't want like a porthole, that's this big.
Speaker 1:I can't do that because then my anxiety would really kick in and I can't like I would feel closer. I can't personally cruise without. I have to have a balcony. I don't care how much extra it is, I need a balcony. It makes it feel roomier, it just makes it feel I don't know, it gives me more peace, I guess. However you want to explain it, but it works for me and I won't. I've thought about it and I was like, no, it's cheaper, but I'm good, I can pay for my balcony. Yeah, exactly for, but I'm good I can pay for my balcony. Yeah, exactly, yeah.
Speaker 2:And we will actually be one full day at sea, so I don't think it'll be that bad. And that's on the way back, and then we have them a soccer tournament as soon as we get back. That's in Florida for five days. So oh, it is in Florida okay, yeah, so I'm gonna be gone for 10 days that's great.
Speaker 1:What part of Florida is her soccer tournament in? Like the same area.
Speaker 2:Oh wow, that's awesome yeah.
Speaker 1:It just kind of worked out that way. So we'll be in Miami. I think we port two days before you guys do.
Speaker 2:Oh, really, okay. Where are you guys?
Speaker 1:going. We're just, we're porting out of Miami, taking my best friend. She also has never been on a ship and she also has very high anxiety. So we're driving to miami and virgin is doing a just a travel agent thing for like two days, but it ends up being like a day and a half and we're really not going anywhere. So it's perfect for her to yeah it's like a kind of thing. Yeah, so it's perfect for her to see if this is something she can do, enjoys doing or whatever for that amount of time.
Speaker 2:So hopefully you both do really well and the ocean soothes you, because we all need that yes, yes, I've always been like a water person anyways, like that's my go-to for comfort, like I love floating in my bathtub, being in water in general. But it took me a long. It took me several months after the incident that before I felt like I could even get into my tub, that I trusted myself to sit in it and I don't know what.
Speaker 2:I still don't fully understand what that was about. I don't know if that was because I was afraid I was going to do something to myself, or if I was afraid that the water was going to do something to me, or what.
Speaker 1:But all the fears I mean with something like that happening, just so many fears of the what ifs, I mean all legit shit Like these, are things that we think of when we, when we go through traumas. And you know, I think a death, a death is bad, but when it's traumatic it hits us differently. They think every, every stage of death hits us in a different type of way, and with that one I mean it's yeah, I would be scared of the water and I would fill in the big ass pond and all the things you know, like that just makes us do weird shit.
Speaker 1:Yeah About things differently.
Speaker 2:Like I, I know that it's not the property's fault and that's why we still live there. It's nobody's fault.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sometimes tragic shit happens to us.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's out of our control.
Speaker 2:That's very true.
Speaker 1:But I also think it's hard for us to realize that when it happens to us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've been doing research for the last, I guess. Probably once after my mom died I started diving, you know, really deep into my childhood bullshit that I was still holding on to and carrying forward and trying to make sure that I'm letting go of some of that baggage and stuff like that and like I've seen immense growth in the last four years since my mom has been gone. But at the same token it makes me wonder that if she was still here, if I would have gotten this far in it, because I would have felt the need to talk to her about it and hear her rebuttal and hear her side of the story on what it was for her, and then it would have confused things.
Speaker 1:I think it would have been different. Your healing would have been different. The way you reacted to everything would be different.
Speaker 2:I think, because my mom isn't here to give me her side of things, I'm able to take what I remember and my feelings towards things at face value for what they are, what I believe them to be.
Speaker 1:Right and it sucks to think that maybe the healing is easier this way, or better this way, after a loss. I mean, there's many times I think, well, if KJ was still alive would this have happened, or would that have have happened, or would I have this opportunity or that opportunity. And then I'm like, well, damn, did he have to die for this? Or you know just all all the things. It's all just fucked up and things that are always, I think, pop up and in the back of our mind is, I don't know. I try to, I try hard not to do the why or the what, if, because I think that just eats at you, but there are times, definitely, that I think about that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I find that when I get stuck in those loops of, I guess, feeling the like, feeling the tragedy over again, if that makes sense, you know, like the rawness of what happened, I try and make myself feel gratitude for how much I've grown and make my like I don't. I'm not the type of person that sits around and thinks about my accomplishments or thinks that I'm great at much of anything. That's just not who I am. I'm like, oh, okay, I'm just me, and either that's I'm a fucking disaster okay, I'm just me, and either that's you're doing the best I can, I'm a fucking disaster. Welcome to it, yep. And so I'm just like, oh well, like no, I just I got through it. And then sometimes I'll talk to other people that are maybe going through something you know, similar that I feel like I can relate to them on, and they're like like you, like that's how you got to where you are.
Speaker 1:And I'm like, yeah, you're like on your own I was like I guess I don't, I don't know other people, I think when they they hear some of the things you've been through and how you've came out of it, or surprised, and my like I don't know everybody you say I don't know how you do it and I'm like what was the fucking other option? Yeah, exactly what was I supposed to do? Like I didn't have another option. I don't know how you do it and I'm like what was the fucking other option? Yeah, exactly what was I supposed to do? Like I didn't have another option and you don't know how you do it until you have to fucking do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you just have to keep the momentum going and stop for small breaks.
Speaker 1:You know you can't stop for too long.
Speaker 2:Once you get the momentum going, you can't stop for too long.
Speaker 1:Because when you do, you're down, you're down, you're down. And that's a big part of my problem is, I'll be on a good one and then I'll stop. And even if you just stop for a day, I mean, your little break's got to be little little breaks.
Speaker 2:If you just stop for one day, it's like it's hard some days to get back in that, some days to get back in that, yeah, like I felt myself probably since Wednesday of last week so yeah, almost a full week that I've been in a mood of some kind where I'm just I feel foul, like, I feel like all my like my filter filter is not going to be stopping much. You're going to be hearing a whole lot of honesty. Be careful what you ask for, and I try very hard to think about the things that I say to people and how I say them, because my internal knee-jerk reaction is typically really harsh and very like slit someone's throat. If I don't agree with what you're doing or how you're handling something, I'm like okay, but how can they receive the information? So I have to back myself a little bit and be like okay, this is what works for them.
Speaker 1:Well, now you're peopling more.
Speaker 2:So you really have to think about that aspect and how you handle the people, because now you're running a business and all the things, yeah, on the days when I'm having, when I can tell that I'm having a day, and I don't feel like my energy is its normal bubbly, fun, self like I feel bad for bringing that not only into my salon, but I feel bad putting my hands on my clients because I feel like I'm transferring that negativity, that I'm whatever is going on with me, that I'm transferring that to them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's not fair. So in those moments I try and make sure that I'm like look, this isn't about you, this isn't about whatever's going on in your world right now. This is about what the project that you're working on right this second, and we're going to focus on that. And after that's done and completed, if you still have these feelings, you're going to give yourself 20 minutes and that's as long as you're going to spend dwelling on this today and and then any time. That, because 20 minutes is never long enough.
Speaker 2:Leslie, does that work for you? 20 minutes is never long enough, but once, like, I'll set a timer, and once that timer goes off and my brain starts like trying to squirrel off, what do you do in those 20 minutes? I just let myself feel and think about whatever, whatever's feeling heavy to me. I let myself actually like okay, don't judge yourself for what you're thinking, don't judge yourself for what you're feeling Like. What is it? And then trying to really narrow down what that feeling is, to see if I'm feeling it anywhere else other than just where? Is it just this past week, like what triggered this for me? What happened? As soon as I can figure that out, then I can be like, okay, now we have a pattern and now we know what to look out for yeah, I would have to be journaling and writing all that down because I couldn't like.
Speaker 1:I would just feel like it's all just floating here and it's still here. So I need to write it down, to put it away.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do. I do have bouts of of journaling. Um, I'm a lot more. I come off a lot clearer when I actually journal and sit down and think things out all the way, Like I tried to have a conversation with Thomas a couple nights ago and he was like you're not making any sense and I was like okay, well.
Speaker 1:When it's all jumbled in your brain, though it's like. It's like when you're having an argument with somebody and you guys probably do it the same, because Thomas and KJ was the same in a lot of ways. If we had a big argument, it was hard to argue with them because I'd be so pissed and his comeback would always be like this meticulous, thought out, smart fucking thing, sarcasm that would piss you off. It's like I was saying wasn't making fucking sense, because I was so mad he was coming up with this bullshit. Yep, so yeah, when it's all built up, you can't get it out the right way. I cannot. Yeah, I'm not that person that can. I give it to the people that can, because I can't. I better just sit down and think about it, write it down or something, because if I say it, if I get it out the right way, it's going to come off so bitchy that nobody wants to speak to me for a while.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think I've buried that bitchiness piece of me down really, really deep. It used to be very surface level and I felt like for the most part, it wasn't, it was a defense mechanism that I was using. And then that began to feel very inauthentic at some point. So I decided like, okay, well, I can say what I need to say without trying to hurt people's feelings or trying to be like no, you're a fucking idiot, Like why can't you see it the way that I see?
Speaker 1:it. No, I get that, I used to. I totally used to be that way, and I think it comes as age too, because now I'm like stuff that I would argue with or argue about with my time, I don't even care, just keep going.
Speaker 1:If you heard it, believe it. Yeah, I don't give a shit like, yeah, I don't argue with nobody over anything. I need peace in my world nowadays and and I'll I'll get it at all costs. Like I will avoid you, like whatever it takes. If you're too dramatic, I'm gonna need you to stay out my life, like I. Just I don't have the energy to be the person that I used to be, if that that makes sense. But, like you said, a defense mechanism, yes, because my prior relationship to KJ, I had to have those walls up. I had to be that bitch and I had to make sure that I took care of me and my daughter, and at all costs, no matter what. So I definitely had those walls up, especially when KJ and I first got together.
Speaker 2:I was mean I'm like so mean it throws people off when I, when I flip that switch because that's not my normal anymore, and they're like we went to a wedding on saturday and I I was just in a mood, I just was, and the wedding was weird. There were a lot of rules, nothing was on time, the food was bad, the DJ was bad. I was happy to see my people Okay, I was happy to see my people, but like I was in line for the, for the bar, and I was standing there by my you know, standing there by myself, and it was kind of a long line, so I was just resting face and then finally I got my drink, and it was kind of a long line, so I was just resting face and then finally I got my drink and I was trying to walk back to my seat and all these chairs are like pulled out from the tables. And you know, there's like 30, 30 tables in this venue with eight to ten chairs around them and they're all pushed out because everyone's just up talking to everyone, which is that's fine, it's cocktail hour, that's what you're supposed to do, yeah, but push your chair in like a human. And so one of my friends was, our table was over in a corner and their table was like there was one other in between us and she goes.
Speaker 2:She sent me a message and was like you're resting face today. I was like, oh, oh, okay, I'm going to change it. Like, are you okay? And I was like, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:I think so You're like. Even if I smile at this point, it's not going to change my face Exactly. This is just it. This is better. Right, that was a little bit scary, don't do that, oh man.
Speaker 2:But it's like you know that that dead look behind your eyes where, like, you have no emotion and you have no, like, no fucks left to give, yep, and it's. It's funny to me when people recognize that on my face because I'm like, okay, I probably need to tend to this, but then I don't know where to go from there right like how do you, how do you fix that?
Speaker 1:yeah, how do you get out of that? I screamed in my car. I don't know if that was helpful I mean yeah, sometimes.
Speaker 2:I ended up kind of getting out of my mood towards the end of the evening and I was fine the next morning and then I came in, I did a client on Sunday and then I did my meditation after that, and after that I've just been meh ever since. How often do you meditate? I try and do a meditation daily and like during the day, and then I meditate at night before I go to sleep. I usually listen to some type of like wind down meditation that then leads into like frequency noises of some kind.
Speaker 1:So do you think it helps I?
Speaker 2:think obviously you're still doing it. Yeah, I mean, I think, when I'm able to actually get my brain to shut off and really do the meditation. Yes, it is helpful and it works and typically makes me feel better after I've done it.
Speaker 1:I did it early on.
Speaker 2:It's really hard to make your brain like stop, like a guided meditation work. For me, if I'm doing just like a just meditation music, I can. I can function in my daily life to meditation music. That doesn't bother me, it doesn't make me sleepy or anything. It just is background noise to me. It will put me into more of like oh, I want to be thinking about this or this or this and then I'll get stuck in like an overthinking loop sometimes.
Speaker 1:It's hard to shut off your well. For me, it's hard to shut off my brain to meditate. I did it early on, after KJ passed, but I can't. The easiest for me was using the Oculus, because there was a meditation program that actually, like, took you to the beach and the things and I'm like, okay, I can do that.
Speaker 1:And I'm like, okay, I can do that. So I was trying, I did that like first thing in the morning for a while and then, you know, for whatever reason, I just quit doing it. And I think routine is is a big part of my issue too is because I don't stick to a routine, and when I do, my life is more. I feel more organized, I feel better about everything and I think that helps keep me from a funk. But whatever fucking reason, my brain just blocks yeah, I guess, the receptor that makes me fucking do that every single day to stick to a routine. I'm like I know I need to do it, I know how I feel when I do it, I know that it's better for me, but why the fuck can I do? Why can I not do it? I struggle with.
Speaker 2:I've I've done quite a bit of research on different ways to remap your neuropathways and there's there's there's been a lot of um. There's a lot of documentation out there that is starting to get traction about doing like. That is starting to get traction about doing like psilocybin treatment for trauma. What is psilocybin? So psilocybin is basically magic mushrooms, but the idea is okay.
Speaker 2:If you think of a, if you're at the top of a mountain that and you're skiing and there's already runs down the mountain because there's tons of people that have already gone down before you, those are your already.
Speaker 2:Those are the pathways that your brain has already created, based off of learned behaviors and things that you've gone through. So, typically, leading up to this, there's a therapy aspect of like figuring out what you're trying to get out of this mushroom trip, and you make a lot of notes and you have a facilitator, someone that knows about the medicine, knows about what's going on with you, what your struggles are, that kind of stuff and then they basically babysit you while you're going through, after you take the mushrooms Sometimes it's some people eat them, sometimes they're capsules, sometimes it's tea. It just depends on what people's preferences are. But what it does is basically from the research I've done. Anyways, it puts down a fresh blanket of snow over all of those pathways that you've already created, so that now you can try and create your own brand new pathways or newer pathways, so that when this, this, this and this happens, you don't land over here anymore. You land here. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Yeah, but can we do that without tripping balls?
Speaker 2:Well, so the idea isn't necessarily to trip balls. The idea is to allow yourself to to enter your subconscious and figure it out subconscious and figure it out.
Speaker 1:Figure out what's actually holding you back. That sounds intriguing and scary as fuck at the same time.
Speaker 2:Like I don't know that.
Speaker 2:That's something I could actually sign myself up to do. I've been looking at it. I've been looking at it. My, there, there is a company. My brother has been telling me about a facility that is somewhere, I think West Coast I don't remember exactly the location, but they facilitate this stuff for people and he had an experience and it was really, really positive for him. My granted, my brother and I grew up in the same household, so I know some of the things that he went through, whatnot. But at the same token, like he went into the military when he was 18 and that was in 2004, right before 9-11 happened he was in a whole, nother type of traumas.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so then he went from, you know, being an awful, terrible, bad kid at home all the time, always getting in trouble, to all right, let's fuck shit up, we're here to regulate, and all of this. And then you know, at some point you, you know, you get out of the military and then you have to figure out how to live civilian life after all of those things that you've seen and done and experienced and not really given the time or the tools to deal with it.
Speaker 2:Like it's no wonder things happen to military people the way that they do. That's very sad.
Speaker 1:That's crazy. So he did this. What are we calling it? An experiment? Journey, journey, journey. He did this journey and it helped him it did.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it was a a two-day thing, like he flew out to wherever this place was. Prior to that, he had done a lot of therapy sessions and things like that different courses, a lot of internal personal work prior to, and then he had all of his you know his intentions set out and he had his, his person that was there to help help him as he was going through it. And he's, when I talked to him that his first session was on a Saturday and I talked to him that evening and he was like that evening and he was like I'm I'm really happy that I did it. I felt so much peace in a way that I've never been able to feel it before.
Speaker 2:He's like I didn't realize how much I hated myself or you know like how much, how much I was putting on myself for doing the things that I've done. That, of course you're. You're trained from an infant. You don't hurt people. Society trains you. You don't do these things. But in reality, there are people that are allowed to do these things and if you don't give them the tools to help themselves, how was that, how was that piece missed? Like that's a huge oversight to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's bizarre how they don't have the support that is needed in those situations, but I'm glad that that journey helped him in a sense to get some peace and hopefully that helps him move forward in a manner that feels good for him yeah, it's uh, like I I've mentioned to my therapist about like.
Speaker 2:Okay, so this is something. I've done a lot of my own personal research on it, you know, like, based off of what you know about me, where I'm at in my healing and what I constantly, every two weeks, come in and talk to you about, basically because I feel like it's along the same lines Usually, I feel like we're just somewhat having the same conversations Like would this benefit me in any way? You said it would be worth it, worth at least a try. Would this benefit me in any way? You said it would be worth it, worth at least a try, as far as like we would have to do a lot more sessions leading up to getting me there. Yeah, did I decide?
Speaker 1:to do yeah, because I think you would have to mentally be prepared for, Because realistically like something like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because it's going to change you.
Speaker 2:you know that going into it medication in general, like you take a Tylenol. It changes how you feel. Doing this to me just feels like it is. I'm hopeful that if I ever decide to do it, that um, it brings me as much peace as it has from the other people that I've talked to that have done it like my brother's not the only person that I've talked to that has done it Like my brother's, not the only person that I've talked to that has done it. There's been others too. But I think that it can go down a bad road if you let it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think there's a huge chance Like there's a point of dabbling in medicines to get what you need out of it, and then there's a point of playing in the medicine to escape from reality, and I don't ever want that Like. If I choose to do that, I don't ever want it to be thought of as, oh, she needed a break from her reality. But maybe that's what it is Like if my reality is locked up in my head.
Speaker 1:First of all, though, if it's something you chose to do, it's a something nobody needs to fucking know about. B is none of their business. So I mean, as I keep saying, through these journeys, we do what is best for us to get through. We all deal with things differently. Me personally, scared to death of any chemical shit going in my body. I get it, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't help and it doesn't mean that it's not beneficial to people. But again, none of nobody's business. As long as it helps you, then that's all that matters. We're just all fucking out here winging it, trying to heal ourselves, and I took people to what fits.
Speaker 2:I don't know that I would be able to like be like.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, this happened and that's fine, you tell whoever you want. I'm just making a statement yeah, I'm, I'm just like.
Speaker 2:I just know how I am with some people I'd be like, so this happened and that's fine.
Speaker 1:I mean, you want to tell the world. Tell the world, maybe it helps somebody else. Same reason we sit on this podcast and talk about all the randomness is because maybe someone else has thought about maybe our stories will relate to somebody.
Speaker 2:I mean, maybe that's why we share it's true there's all kinds of help out there. That is not everybody's cup of tea. Non-conventional, yeah yeah. So whether that's therapy for some people or fucking mushrooms, I guess You're going to do whatever's right for you. Hey, I know people that do it and they love it Just saying Personally, I am after just fixing my brain, that's all I'm after. I just want it to be a little bit more normal in here.
Speaker 2:I just want to think differently. Uh-huh, yeah, I just I don't. Yeah, if it would work and like a bit a part of me is scared of it because I know it's going to change. Like, putting something like that in your body is definitely going to change your thought process. It's going to change how you see things going forward. Is it expensive? So I go to this meditation group usually once a month and she does retreats and I think, depending on kind of where they're at, they range from like 600 to a thousand dollars. So she did one last fall. That was at patoka lake and she came back with because I'm curious about it. So of course I'm asking her questions and everything she's.
Speaker 2:She's a wealth of knowledge, that's for sure. That's a good need to have, though, yeah, and she understands the need to like, when you're going through the journey, you don't necessarily want to talk about everything all at once, versus afterwards, you need to decompress the things that you saw and you felt and you still feel, and that felt so real to you, and that kind of stuff. I feel like that's such a big part of it is having somebody there that is in a sober mindset To soak it all in.
Speaker 2:To be like okay, so this is what you went into this, trying to get out of it, and this is what you're saying now.
Speaker 1:So you know, trying to come help, helping you come to your own conclusion, I guess yeah, because it doesn't do any good if you can't get rid of all the thoughts in your, in your mind, or you can't share whatever it was that you experienced.
Speaker 2:You can't just linger with that yeah, because then at that point it did no good yeah, you probably fucked yourself up more exactly.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah, that was not the goal. It's uh, it's weird, like the psychedelic medicine. The research of that got stopped early on and the people that they were testing on a lot of them were, you know, military members and things like that. If they weren't, I don't know enough to say how the process was, but back then it makes sense in my brain to imagine that people weren't concerned about like well, what are you trying to get out of this Just because we've been given different tools and gained more knowledge over time and all of that kind of stuff?
Speaker 1:Lots to ponder today, I know. All right. Well, we are coming up on about an hour, so we're gonna wrap it up. We have, I'm excited to say we have a lot of guests coming on with a variety of different stories, not just deaths. So I'm super excited about that, from divorces to losses, to what would have been, and then we got hit with an illness, or just so many different amazing stories that they will be sharing. So super, super excited about that. And, of course, I appreciate you jumping on with me anytime I text you and say, hey, let's do it and share it all. You're a randomness why I share mine.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm full of it. So, absolutely, I'm always working on something.
Speaker 1:I think we pair well together when it comes to this. Yes, all right. Well, thank you for being here and we will see you later.
Speaker 2:All right, have a great rest of your day, thanks for having me See.
Speaker 1:Ya, we hope you enjoyed our conversation today. If you would like to join us on Facebook, you can find us at Grief Sucks Life After Loss, and if you would like to share your story with us, you can email us at GriefSucksLifeAfterLoss.